There's a smile on my face

I got a great compliment tonight from someone I haven't seen in a long time. We had "fun" years ago, and managed to stay friends which is always nice. Though I haven't seen him in person since then, there is always the glorious world of facebook, and before that, myspace, where I post up pictures of my progress and and I have before pictures up too. Tonight I was talking to him, and he said I look incredible. Ok, I've been getting that one a lot lately. Then he followed it with " But then [he] always thought [I] was sexy." That made me feel awesome. He also invited me up to spend a weekend with him, and his girlfriend. I'd have to talk t j about that one. But I think it would be fun.  I also heard from M tonight. I hear from him so randomly now, and I still haven't told him that I'm with J. Tonight, I made some excuses as to why I couldn't meet up with him. I feel bad, because he's a sweet guy, and I like spending time with him, but he pops in and out of my life so randomly. There's also the fact that he had said he doesn't ever want anymore kids, and he never wants to get married. Two of the big things that I'm looking for. So while I feel bad, I only feel a little tiny bit bad, because at the same time, Hello, I'm not going to wait around for someone I can't build a family with, that randomly ops in and out of my life. He can't expect me to. I didn't get to see J today. His mom had the day off, and he didn't go to/have school, which is why I normally will see him during the week, picking him up and taking him home. I wish I knew how to more open with my feelings in person. I can convey things so much better through text. When I'm face to face, I have a tendency to lose my words, and get tongue tied, which isn't conducive at all. Still, even though I did other stuff today, I wish I had gotten to see him. Once I start working I won't be seeing him as often, so I want to get in as much time now as I can.

Down in the dumps?

Where to begin. These past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not so much to where you could tell if, but they have. The scale finally dipped down below 200 for about a day and half. But now it's hovering between 200.4 and 201.4. It's frustrating, especially the way I've been eating. Or rather, how I can't eat in the morning but I'm starving at night. But if I eat to late, I get insane acid reflux, and I end up choking half the night. It's a fine line that I'm walking. I'm already taking OTC heartburn meds, and I keep tums with me at all times. I went from being tight, to being able to eat whatever I want at night, for the most part. That's scary for me. I'm left depending on will power again, and its a hrad thing. It's hard to deal with the fact taht I do have an unhealthy relationship with food. I love it, and hate it all at the same time. But mostly I love it. Which is one of my problems. The past week or so I've been able to eat bread, which is something I'd rather not be able to eat right now. Without the restriction I'm used to in my band though, bread has become a new option. I've been able to eat bread, and it's made me bloated. I have a wheat allergy, among many others. Not being able to eat it is easier than saying no to it. I love bread. I love the smell of it, and the textures. It doesn't love me though, especially with the allergy. I'm able to eat a lot of stuff that I couldn't before, that I shouldn't be eating, and while I know this, I'm having a hard time saying no. Which means that the scale is not going to be my friend right now. I had an appointment for an adjusment on the 22nd, but at that point I didn't need it, and the Dr. wouldn't have given me one even if I asked for one. They were supposed to call me with my new apppointment date, for the end of April, but my phone is shut off, and that's where they call me. It's hard not having my phone. I feel like a shut in at times, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world. I don't have the ability to just shoot off a text message to a friend if I need to, or be able to keep in contact when I'm out of the house. I havent had a steady income since November. It makes life hard. It means I have to rely on other to support me, and at my age, I really shouldn't need that. I do have a job lined up though, with my Dad. He is in negotiations to get me hired, so that will be nice. I'll have to commute, but it will be a full time job, that hopefully pays well.

On a bit of a happier note, J and I are doing well, I think. Or should I say, in my opinion? No, I haven't talked to him like I need to. Yes, I will eventually talk to him about it. It's starting to feel kind of how it did before we broke up last September, minus all the drama. Knock on wood, but this is the longest we've gone without fighting. It feels nice. Even with the stuff that has happened, it's still been a smoother run. There was a spot over the weekend where I got that feeling, but it wasn't the right time to say anything. Besides, I was talking to the girl too, lol. That is where a part of the problem lies too, I guess. When I talk to the other girls at the same time, I'm condoning it. No matter how smooth things are going, I will need to get the point across soon. I don't care if he has friends that are girls. I have friends that are guys. Fine. What isn't fine is if he's leading them on. It isn't fair all a round. I didn't get that vibe though on Saturday night. It was more talk on his end. But, it still goes back to I  need to make a point soon. That I don't want to share. That I'm in this for the long run, and yes, that does mean I want a family. It won't mean I want to get married and have a baby right this instant. It will mean that I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Knowing me, I'll probably end up bringing it up after I've had a drink. Not drunk, just kind of tipsy. Maybe sometime soon. We'll see how the job goes. That will definitely end up playing into it. I won't be there everyday. The commute will cut into my time, but I'm willing to make it work, as long as he is. I can handle not seeing him most days like I do now, if I get to see him on the weekends. I can get a little less sleep some nights if it means I get to see him. In the end though, it depends on if he's willing to work with me. I love him enough to make sacrifices. We'll see if he loves me enough to put an effort into making it work too.

Martina McBride

Yeah
The sun is shining everyday
The clouds never get in the way for you and me
I’ve known you just a week or two
But baby I’m so into you I can hardly breathe

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So physically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I love you

I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our next kiss
You’re so cool
If I’m dreaming please don’t wake me up
’cause baby I can’t get enough of what you do

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you

I can’t believe
That this is real
The way I feel
Baby I’ve gone head over heels

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So fisically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Yeah

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
Baby I love you
Do you love me too?
Baby I love you

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've felt that there hasn't been much to talk about. Well, nothing new anyways. O guess that's not exactly true. It's more of, I don't want to acknowledge what is staring me in the face. I can say that I have, but deep down I really haven't. In a previous post I had mentioned that J had changed his FB status to in a relationship, and when I asked him what I am to him, he replied his girlfriend. So, then why is it, that it took him until 3 days ago to accept my friend request? And before he accepted it, changed his relationship status back to "single". And why is it, that he decided to delete me from his friends list, and now his profile is private. Hmmmm. ( <---- please note the sarcasm at this point). My phone has been shut off again. It's been partially shut off for the past couple weeks, but is fully shut off now. J knew this. I emailed him, and sent an instant message to his phone, at the beginning of last week. He was on Spring Break last week. You would think, that as his "girlfriend", I would see him, or at the very least, hear from him, at least once. He knows how to get a hold of me when my phone is off. Apparently that is expecting to much from him. I saw him the Thursday before Spring Break, and did not hear from him until this morning. Which is when he started back at school. And guess who normally gives him a ride home from school? Me, that's who.  I was already expecting to hear from him in some way this morning. Because, while I may seem stupid, and let people think that, I really am not. Like, I'm not blind to the fact that he talks to other girls. Hell, he talks to them when I am sitting next to him, which is pretty freaking disrespectful. I'm not blind to the fact that it seems the only time he makes an effort to contact me, is when he needs something. I've stopped asking him, pretty much, if he needs a ride. I make him ask now. I'm not blind to the fact that he lies, about really stupid stuff. I never say anything though, because it's usually just not worth the effort. What's really horrible, is that most of our relationship has been this way, and it's really sad that I put up with it. It's sad that even though I know all of this about him, I know that I'm going to continue putting up with it, because I love him. And I really don't deserve that. I deserve someone who treats me with respect, and doesn't show such a blatant disregard for my feelings. I don't deserve having my heart broken, again, by him. But, we rarely get what we deserve, it seems. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I do have a feeling though, that there will be changes to our relationship very soon. I should be working with my Dad again soon. Which means a full time 40 hour per week job, with a commute. I won't be there to pick him up from school anymore. I'll be leaving the house by 6:30 am, and  not getting home until close to 7. Later if I hit the gym after. Right now, he's used to me not having a job, and pretty much being free all the time. He's used to me bringing him things if he needs something, even though it's a 20 minute drive from my house to his, AND I receive no income. Stupid of me, yes, I know. I'll have the income, but not the time anymore. I would have time after work, but when I hang out over there, I usually leave before then, because his mom gets home between 8 and 9. So the weekdays probably wouldn't work for him. And we haven't hung out on a weekend in awhile. Mostly because of him, but there were a couple instances where I had other plans. My gut feeling tells me that on the weekends, he probably makes dates with other girls. So,  where does that leave me when I start working? For the most part, I'm willing to make this work. I know that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be plenty of trials and tribulations, but I know that love doesn't come easy. When you really get into the nitty gritty of it, it comes down to him, and what he really wants. To how he really feels. If he actually loves me, like he says he does, then there's a chance we could make it. But I will issue an ultimatum, I guess you could say. Something that is usually a pretty obvious thing in a relationship, but for some reason, doesn't apply to him. He would have to commit solely to me. No more talking to other girls online, for the purpose of dating. Delete all of his profiles at dating websites. Something that should be a given. I would do the same. Yes, I still have my profiles up, but I don't really go on them. I go on one, for the sole purpose of emailing J. And while I can honestly say that I haven't been with anyone, sexually, since before he said I was his gf, I'm not sure about him. I would cut off contact with that one guy though. Too bad I make friends with them, lol. If he and I don't make it through this, I'm done. I won't go back to him anymore. I'm done with the back and forth, and never knowing. If we end it, it will be done for good this time. I know that I can live without him. It hurts, but I think it would hurt less this time, even though I still love him just as much as I did before. I didn't give him all of my heart this time, yet. Should we  make it through, yea, I'll let the rest of the walls down, but for now, and I'm going to try and protect my heart from as much hurt as possible. And, should we not make it through, I'm probably going to ask I out. Not sure how soon after. But if we're really supposed to end up together, I don't want to wait, lol. I'm ready to settle down. I though it was going to be J. It's not like we hadn't kind of talked about it before we broke up before. At this exact moment, were he to ask, I'm not sure what I would say. But I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. What I know, is I'm tired of playing his fool. We need to decide one way or the other I think. I don't think I can live like this for much longer.

In regards to J, I have found some quotes that will suit, should we come to that point.

He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left

You've never felt pain until you've felt love

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more."

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak!
It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

I'm not over you because I don't like you anymore, I'm over you because I've realized that you're never going to want me like I want you.

You can't ever let go of all the feelings, But you need to let go of him.

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back.


On another note, I have 2 things I want to add to my bucket list, that I want to accomplish this year

Get out of Debt

Move out

If I have this new job, and it pays even decently (Not like the previous job-what I was making before put me below poverty level) decently being at least twice what I was making at my last job, I'm pretty sure I can make those 2 things happen.
Ok, well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. Hopefully I won't let 2 weeks pass by before I get back on here

Jar of Hearts

Have you heard that song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? It's a great song. And I'm sure that there are plenty of people, both female and male who can relate to this song. Though the song was written by her post break up from when she was dating a "player", and that's how most people relate to this, but I guess you could say that I'm not most people. I'm still with J, but this song strikes a cord with me. J and I have definitely not had a smooth ride. We've had our ups and downs. We've been off and on since June. We're still on right now. But even during the times when we weren't togetehr it was still kinda rocky. I had hung out with him, unaware that he was seeing someone else. It was a suprise to me the next day when she started talking to me, and told me who she was. That was a hard one. But then, it's always hard when someone you're in love with is dating someone else. Right now, I kind of get the sense that I am being played, but I hvae nothing to base it on. Well, that's not true, I do have some things to base my suspisions on. I know that he has been talking to other girls. This, I am 100% sure of. I know because he's done so while I'm sitting next to him. When we were together before, I didn't say anything to him about it, even though it hurt. I don't think I can sit around while he does this again. He says that I'm his girlfriend, but neither of us has said anything about exclusivity. I always before thought that it was implied with the title. I've learned that apparently it isn't. In you're head, you always imagine the way a relationship should be. Then, you enter into said relationship, and everything you imagined is, well, wrong. I always thought that it would be easy to speak what is on my mind to my boyfriend. Turns out all my insecurities are still there. I still have a very hard time bringing up anything of importance. For all my loudness, and liking to talk, I've always been a chicken sh** when it come to anything important. I don't know how to bring up that I want exclusivity. I know that I need to. I know that I feel like crap because of it. Awhile ago, driving to his place after picking him up, I had been talking about my eventual plastic surgeries, and he had made a comment that implied he would be there for the long run. My friend brought up something to me the past week- I'm doing all these things to make my life better, and I need someone who deserves the new me. Which means that I need to bring up the exclusivity. That I need to grow a pair, and deal with the hard stuff, even if it means losing him. That's the part that kills me. I'm not ready to lose him. It's something I may have to deal with though. There is also the underlying feelings I have for I. My friend has told me, more than once, that she knows tha I'm going to end up with him. The thing is, that's what I think too. It's a hard conflict for me. I'm in love with someone that I don't want to lose,
but there is someone else taht I think I'm going to end up with. It impares my judgement at times, I think. But I'm not ready for it to be over with J. I'm not sure if I ever will be. And that sad part is, he knows how to get to me. He knows that he's my weakness without me ever saying it. He knows I love him. And he knows that every other time, I have gone back to him, so what's to keep him from acting the same? So, how do I deal with this. How do I bring up my insecurities with him, and tell him that I want it all. And when  i say all, I mean all. He's the one who really set my biological clock off. Before getting together this time, he refered to himself as my ex-fiance. He had asked me to have a baby with him-albeit he was drunk when he brought up that one, but he still put it out there. You just can't do that to a girl. I want back what we had. I want to know that the man I love, still wants me, and no one else. With I, I don't know when that will happen. It may be years down the road. But J? I'm with him now, and I love him, and I what I want is a natural progression of that love, especially since it has been brought up in the past. My other big thing with him is that I have yet to introduce him to any of my family and friends. And they don't like that one bit. According to them, he is not my boyfriend, because they have not yet met him. Bringing someone to meet my family and friends is a big one for me. Big enough that I have only done it one other time. But if I want it all from him, it needs to happen, and soon. I'm supposed to be going to Laughlin in 2 weeks with family, and I want to ask him to come, but I'm still very unsure. Especially since even though I know what I want from this, I don't know what he wants. It feels like I got to spend more time with him before. I don't see him as much as I used to. I know that he was supposed to be busy over this past weekend, but I don't know what his plans were supposed to be. I'm pretty sure they got canceled though, because he ended up getting sick. At least, he said he was sick all weekend, and I choose to believe him. But I don't know how he'll react when I say I want him to meet my people, and hell It feels as if he's been trying to keep himself kind of distanced this time around, and honestly, I've done the same. But I'm done with it. I finally said I love you to him again too. It felt good, especially since I hadn't said it in so long. So, now, I have all this I need to bring up, and no clue how in the hell I'm going to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and praying about it a lot. I don't want to make this song part of my reality again.

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Only One Pound

I've read this before, and I saw this again today, and I needed to share it :)

Only One Pound

Hello, do you know me? If you don't you should. I'm a pound of fat, and I'm the happiest pound of fat that you would ever want to meet. Want to know why? It's because no one ever wants to lose me; I'm Only One Pound, just a pound. Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds or fifteen pounds, but never only one, so I just stick around and happily keep you fat. Then I add to myself ever so slyly so that you never seem to notice it, that is until I've grown to ten, twenty or even more pounds in weight. Yes, it's fun being Only One Pound of fat, left to do as I please. So, when you weigh in, keep right on saying "Oh, I only lost one pound." ( as if that were such a terrible thing!) For you see, if you do this you'll encourage others to keep me around because they will think I'm not worth losing. And I love being around you - your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you. Happy Days!! After all, I'm Only One Pound of fat!!!

Sometimes I wish, for a mistake.

It's been awhile since I posted. I don't really have an excuse. I kept meaning to, and I was just too lazy, which is kinda sad. On Wed I finally asked J what I am to him. Or, as I put it "Here's a question for you...What am I to you?" His response "my gf". My friends say that I left that too open ended, but that answered my question. For now, lol. After that, I told G taht I couldn't see him. I honestly didn't know what I was going to tell him, and I feel kinda bad, but I'd rather follow my heart. Besides, I think he would clash greatly with parts of me. With J, I just want to be back where we were before all of teh major drama started, all the way back in Sep. It was a long few stressful months between Sep and Jan. A lot of ups and downs. I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I called J my boyfriend, and she said I don't have a boyfriend because she hasn't met him. I argued that she doesn't let me bring people over, and we don't have money to go out to dinner or anything like that, so how does she expect to meet him. I think I kinda one that one. But my friend said taht same thing. I haven't introduced him to any of my friends or family. I do need to rectify that. I'm trying to figure out a good place and time. I know that my friends are going to grill him. They flat out said so, lol. I love them. It's kinda a big thing for me to introduce him, but I know I need to. I've met his mom, his two best friends he calls his brothers, and I was supposed to meet his step-dad and step-brothers last summer, but I was out of town and wasn't able to. So, I am severly behind here. I'm just not sure where. My girls say dinner, but it feels kinda like a trap for him, lol. I was thinking maybe going and playing pool. THe girls could invite their guys, so maybe he wouldn't be the only guy. I just don't know. I do know that if I want this to go anywhere, I do need to start introducing though. I get kinda jealous of my friends now, and I don't like it. One married, one engaged, one wearing a promise ring. All these weddings. I want that. There was the beginning of talks of wedding, I guess you could say, with me and J, back in Sep. Some talk of babies. Then s*** hit the fan, and it didn't happen. Now it feels as if we're starting all over again, except I'm already in love with him. Still playing the waiting game. I probably won't see him tomorrow; I have a family thing, and he's going out with one of his brotehrs, I think. So, hopefully I'll see him Sunday. Maybe I'll tell him in person I love him. I've said he's the person I love via text, but I haven't said it yet. I guess I'm still kind of afraid to. I think I know that once I do say it out loud again, I'm not going to be able to protect my heart anymore. I've been keeping part of it reserved, trying to prevent it from being hurt, but what is love without hurt..

No Doubt
Simple Kind of Life

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

To talk or not to talk...

...about food that is. Yesterday, on facebook, I had a friend ask me if I could go a full day without speaking about food. So far, on facebook at least, I've managed. Face to face, not so much, lol. And, with the exception of frying up some chips, I didn't even make anything today. Doesn't mean I didn't talk about it though. Still trying to find a way to play with my torch. Still thinking Creme Brulee, but then I saw a picture in a magazine at a store that looked fun to duplicate. Now, I'm not much of a fan of bananas, or banana desserts but the rest of my family is. This was bananas with a type of pudding topped with a toasted meringue. I have also been wanting to caramelize some bananas for a type of bruleed banana split. So, I was thinking I'll merge them. I'll make a creme brulee, but before it bakes, I'll put fresh sliced bananas in the bottom of the ramekins. Hmmm, could be yummy...

Slacker

So, I've been slacking the past week or so. My entire house was sick for well over a week and we're all just getting over it. I still have a lovely cough that moved into my chest, and my nose looks just wonderful with the after effects of a runny nose wiped with cheap toilet paper. ouch :( The week was fairly uneventful. I was the healthiest one in the house so I played mom for a couple days. My poor Mom was down for the count-she had a headache so bad one day she was crying from it by the time I got back from picking the kids up from school. We ended up taking my youngest sister in a free clinic on Thursday night because at the point she had been spiking fevers of 103 for a full week. She was given a breathing treatment at the Dr, plus a round of antibiotics, and a prescription for Motrin. The antibiotic started working within a few hours thankfully, and she was actually well enough to go to camp over the weekend. She was happy, and they got a TON of snow while up there. It was also one of my little sister's birthday on Sunday. She turned 12. She is definitely a handful, and very hard to please, but that is due more to her being "special", as we refer to it. I lucked out and got my tax returns on Friday and Saturday, so I was able to go grocery shopping for the house, and buy birthday presents. Thank God. She wouldn't have had much otherwise. And she seemed pretty OK, if not happy, with what she got, which is a relief. When I went grocery shopping I was able to get stuff to have fun in the kitchen. Got some more zucchini to make fried zucchini, some poblano peppers to make Chile Rellenos. Going to be making some marinara sauce from scratch, and hopefully some ravioli. Last night, I made a big batch of ma and cheese, and a beautiful mango salsa. Monday I made 5 dozen mini cupcakes, a cake, and some american buttercream for my sister's class at school. I also finally got some butane to fill my caramelizing torches, so I want to make some creme brulee in the next few days. I do have a lot of time to make them. Especially since now I'm not too sure if I got the job with the YMCA. I thought I did; my friend thought I did, but then a previous employer gave a bad reference, so now I'm kind of in limbo. It sucks. I really do need to call and find out why I haven't recieved any unemployment either. The general concensus is that my previous employer is contesting it, which I wouldn't be suprised, because all in all, they are kinda shady like that.

(On a side note, I do need to figure out how to link up my recipes with pictures. Gonnahave to research taht some)

On the guy front, things seem to be holding pretty steady, though slightly stressful. J is back to calling me babe, and whatnot, which is nice. I just still don't know how to label us. You'd think I would have manned up by now, and asked, but I'm a bit of a chicken in that respect. It feels like back when we were together though, so I just don't know. And G has been asking me to commit to him. I didn't want to answer him until I knew for sure where I stand with J, but that just isn't fair to him, so I need to figure out some way to tell him that. If things were different, and J wasn't in the picture, I would say yes. He's a very sweet guy, and I do like him. But I love J. I guess you could say that's where my problem is, depending on who you talk to, lol. And M is still sporadic. His phone is still off, so I don't really have a way to get into contact with him, except to email him, and hope he checks his email. But I know he's going through some stuff right now, so that's fine.

Valentine's Day. Otherwise know as....

Single's Awareness Day. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. Today was kind of crappy overall. Half the house is sick, and I'm fighting to keep from getting it. I woke up this morning with a headache that hasn't gone away, and now I've developed a cough. I hate getting a cough. It almost always moves into my lungs and stays for months. Dang asthma, and my stupid lungs that don't like to work. I tried a little bit of orange juice when I woke up- bad idea. It didn't stay down, and screwed up my stomache for most of the day. I tried to take some generic children's tylenol, and it stayed down for about 2 minutes before I started heaving. Not fun. At all. I was able to keep some broth from my leftover chicken enchilada soup down, and I was able to drink a large glass of water about half an hour ago so that's good. I need to drink more water. I wouldn't have so many issues keeping food down, I think, if I stayed more hydrated. Plus, it'd help with the weight loss.

I did end up going and seeing M last night. It wasn't for very long, only about 45 minutes. It was nice seeing him, but a small part of me feels guilty, even though J and I aren't exclusive. I also heard from G yesterday. Kind of out of the blue since I thought he wasn't interested after our date because I didn't hear from him. He asked me if I'm still interested, and I kind of dodged the question. I'm in a bit of a tricky place right now. I have all these feelings mixed up inside, especially in regards to J. We set it up last night for me to give him a ride home from school today, but I woke up with a text saying he wasn't going to school today. i emailed him asking him what he was up to today, but I never heard anything back. When we started talking again, I asked him if I was a fool for getting my hopes up, and he said no. Right now, I'm not sure what to think. I know I saw M last night, but it kills me to think that he may be with another woman right now. He has every right, since we haven't labled anything, we're not exclusive. I won't tell him that I saw M, because he's got his jealous side. I just don't know how to ask him where we stand. I can't answer G truthfully until I know where I stand with J. And none of this factors in the small hope that I might get to see I sometime in the near future. There are days where, if I knew I had the choice between I and J, I would pick I. Other days, it would be J. Lately it's been more J, but this weekend I've been feeling insecure, and I hate it. I'm different when I'm with him than everyone else. I am definitely quieter, which I know some people won't believe. I don't know how to make him see that I've given stuff up just to see him, that yes, I still love him, without  breaking my heart again. If there is another girl, I'd much rather him tell me about it. It wouldn't be the first time, honestly. Like I said, we've had our issues.

Justin Timberlake
Confused

My Knees start to shake when you're in sight

My mind is filled with wonder

My heart with fright

When will this feeling stop

When did it start

How can I listen to my mind

without breaking my heart

I'm so confused

What should I do

I can't think of anything

Except you

Should I ignore you or just give it time

I can't think straight my heart controls my mind

Fool?

I hate it when I start thinking, and I over analyze things. I spent the night at J's last night. Or rather, watched tv and watched him play XBOX until 4:30am, then we went to bed. I got there at like 4:30 in the afternoon. It was nice just hanging out all that time, not worrying about having to go somewhere, or whatnot. It did get kind of awkward when his mom got home from work; I had previously been convinced that she dodn't like me. Apparently we're fine, lol. Talked wth her for about an hour or so while J played his games. But, there are still times when I kind of feel that J is playing me for a fool, and I hate feeling like that. I pick him up from school most days, and financially, it's really a strain for me to do. I don't have a job, and I'm not recieving unemployment for some reason. Gas is expensive. :/ That part kind of sucks. If I'm just dropping him off, I usually get a kiss goodbye, but that's about it. I know that he was/is talking to other grils. I know he was before, I'm not as sure right now, but I wouldn't be suprised. And seeing as I have spoken to a couple other people, he as every right to do so. But that's not what I want. I don't know how to bring it up, without sounding like a fool, or desperate, or just stupid. M called me last night, while I was at J's. Said he wants to hang out tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to do. J and I aren't official or anything like that, but it feels like we're at the point we were at in the beginning-like julyish- when I stopped talking to and seeing other people. I don't want to ask if it's ok with him if I go out with M, because then it kind of backtracks us. I'm tired of being in this limbo. I want to be able to tell him again that I love him. It's been a long time since I've said it. I've said it before; I'd do just about anything he asked me to. If that makes me weak then so be it. Maybe I am weak. It's getting harder to hold back my feelings for him, but I don't want to put myself out there and get heartbroken again. I've gotten back to the point where I miss him if I don't see him after a day or two. I've gotten used to seeing him 4 times a week or more. I don't like missing him. It sucks. I wish I could read his mind and see what he's thinking in regards to me. I'd rather know now than later if I'm being played for a fool. I really hope not.

So, I got another adjustment on my Lap-Band on Tuesday. Andthen I was stupid, because even though I KNOW I'm supposed to be on liquids for a good 24-72 hours after, depending on my swelling, I ate anyways. Big mistake. Return of the acid reflux, choking in the middle of the night, and not being able to keep anything down. I was lucky if my water stayed down. I'm pretty sure I tore part of my stomach during that time because I was also spitting up blood-not fun at all. I didn't call teh Dr. though because I was pretty sure it was mainly due to swelling, and mostly my fault at that/ I ate some chicken on Wed, then between then and this morning, I had a hadful of goldfish crackers, and Tums. But being on liquids like that helped. I was able to eat some peanut butter, and some jelly-I went to breakfast with friends, and they had packets of peanut butter, with teh packets of jelly- plus some sweet potato fries. I had some ice cream-mainly because I thought the cold would help with any extra swelling I still had, then a cookie(Bad Sara!), and then some Broccoli Cheese Soup. PLus I was able to eat some popcorn earlier. It may sound like I ate a lot, btu I really didn't. Hopefully the scale still moves downward tomorrrow. I hit 90lbs gone this morning, and I want to continue going downwards. I'm 6 pounds from being merely overweight instead of obese, 9 lbs from weighing less than 200, and 10 lbs from my 100lbsgone mark. Keeping my fingers crossed.

My lyrics for this post

Linger by the Cranberries

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

10- a survey type thingy

TEN ARE YOUS
► Are you single? ➔ I honestly have no clue
► Are you happy? ➔ most of teh time
► Are you bored? ➔ Kind of
► Are you sad? ➔ Not at this moment
► Are you Italian?➔ Nope
► Are you German? ➔ Yes
► Are you Asian? ➔ Honorary
► Are you angry? ➔ No
► Are you Irish? ➔ No
► Are your parents still married? ➔ No

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place? ➔ West Covina, CA
► Hair Color ➔ Dark Blond
► Hair Style? ➔ Long
► Eye color? ➔ Blue
► Birthday? ➔ May 17
► Mood? ➔ Confused
► Gender? ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty? ➔ Righty
► Summer or Winter? ➔ Summer
► Morning or Afternoon? ➔ Afternoon
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love? ➔ Yes
► Do you believe in love at first sight? ➔ Sometimes
► Who ended your last relationship? ➔ He did
► Have you ever been hurt? ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ➔ Yes
► Are you friends with your ex? ➔ Yes. I think. We're seeing each other again
► Are you afraid of commitment? ➔ No
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔Yes
► Have you ever had a secret admirer? ➔ Uhhh
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes

TEN THIS OR THAT
► Love or Lust? ➔ Love
► Lemonade or Iced tea? ➔ Iced Tea.
► Cats or Dogs? ➔ Dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends? ➔ A few best friends
► Television or Internet? ➔ Internet
► Pepsi or Coke? ➔ Pepsi
► Pink or Purple? ➔ Pink
► Day or Night? ➔ Day
► IM or Phone? ➔ Text

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? ➔ Yes
► Fallen off the stairs? ➔ Off, Up, Down. Yes
► Went water rafting? ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker? ➔ Yea
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store? ➔ No
► Skipped School? ➔ In college
► Wanted to disappear? ➔ Yea

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or Eyes? ➔ Eyes
► Light or Dark Hair? ➔ Dark
► Fat or Skinny? ➔ Doesn't matter
► Shorter or Taller? ➔ Taller
► Intelligence or Attraction? ➔ Attraction
► Jock or Nerd? ➔ Nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship? ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR Rich and serious? ➔ Funny and poor
► Play the guitar or into sports? ➔ Play the guitar

TEN LASTS
► Last Phone Call/Text? ➔ Tini
► Last phone call you received? ➔ Andrea
► Last person you hung out with? ➔ My Mom
► Last person you hugged? ➔ My sister
► Last person you IM'ed? ➔ Daniel
► Last thing you ate? ➔ Scone
► Last thing you drank? ➔ Iced tea
► Last site you went to? ➔ Facebook
► Last place you were? ➔ Ralphs
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship? ➔ Not yet
► Do you want to be? ➔ Yes
► When was your last relationship? ➔ A couple months ago
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Yes
► Do you still love them? ➔ Yes
► Do you like someone right now? ➔ Yes.
► Do you and your family get along ➔ Usually
► Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? ➔ not really
► Have you ever run away from home? ➔ No
► If so, how long? ➔ N/A
► Have you ever gotten kicked out? ➔ No

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends? ➔ No
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? ➔ Most of them
► Do you trust all your friends? ➔ Yes
► Who are/is your best friend(s)? ➔ Tini, Andrea, Cynthia
► Would you die for them? ➔ Yes

► Who knows everything about you? ➔ The girls above

Those 3 little words

3 little words that can mean so many things. I like you. I love you. I miss you. I hate you. All start with I, all end with You. Their meanings can be so different. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Saying I love you to family or friends. Saying I love you to a lover. Telling someone you miss them. Telling someone you love them, but you hate them. I have felt all 4 of those 3 word combinations. Sometimes I have said them, sometimes I've held it in.

I haven't made it a secret on here that I love J. I haven't uttered those words to him in months though. It's hard not saying it. I want to, but I'm afraid to, and that's a bit of a new feeling for me. I've always been pretty open with my feelings for the most part. I'm afraid to say it though, because he's already broken my heart. I have a feeling I'll be telling him soon though. I love you. Such powerful words. I'll end up telling him because I said another 3 word combination. I missed you. I picked him up from school today, which is pretty much the norm. I missed him this weekend, but was hesitant to tell him. Especially face to face. So after I dropped him off, I sent him a text saying that I missed him this weekend. Chances are I'll see him tomorrow, and if I do, there's a good chance he'll ask me why I missed him. My answer will be simple. Because I love you. Just because I haven't said the words in a long time, doesn't mean I don't still feel that way. I haven't stopped loving him, even through everything. I have hated him at some points, but it was more that I hated the fact that I loved him, even when I was hurting. I'm curious to see if he'll bring it up; I want him to so I can put the words back out there, even if I'm afraid too. I'm tired of holding them in. Maybe it'll push us to where we were before. Maybe I'll end up hurt, because he doesn't feel the same way. I really don't know. There aren't any guarantees in life, so I need to take the chance. I wish I could make some people see that. They don't understand why I want to be/am with J. Besides the answer of I love him, I would rather be happy with him, even temporarily, than hurting without him. There's always the chance of maybe, maybe we do have a shot at making this work, maybe we're supposed to be together, if only for right now. I don't know that whys of it. I have no clue if he feels the same why. I'm going in with my eyes wide open this time; I know my faults, I know his. I know a little bit better now how his mind works; the things he says might not always be true, but I think I've learned which words are truth, and which are stories. I know how to protect my heart a little bit more. It will still hurt if it gets broken, of course, but I'll know it was partially my fault for going back. And if he does break  my heart again, well, maybe "I" will be around, and maybe we can see were that goes.

Billy Currington
I got a feeling

I don't wanna rush this thing
I don't wanna jump the gun
I really wanna say those three little words
But I'm gonna bite my tongue

Yeah, I'm just gonna lay on back
Leave it on cruise control
I'm gonna hold it all inside
Till the right time comes down the road

[Chorus:]
I got a feeling
My head's a reeling
My heart is screaming
I'm about to bust loose
Bottled up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I got a feeling
Are you feeling it too

I guess I've all but said it now
So much for hoping you'd go first
Don't leave me hanging out here on a line
Baby, it's your turn
Say you couldn't sleep last night
[ Billy Currington Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
Swore that you could feel me breathe
Had you wanting me there by your side
Yeah, baby I know what you mean

[Second Chorus:]
I got a feeling
My heads a reeling
My heart is screeming
I'm about to bust loose
Bottled up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I get a feeling
You're feeling it too

Bottle up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I got a feeling
You're feeling it too
You're feeling it too
Yeah, you're feeling it too
Feeling it too
Oh, Yeah

I'm just not sure about some things...

Haven't heard from G since we went to lunch yesterday. I'm thinking that he didn;t get the right vibe, maybe? I'm not sure, but up until lunch, I got texts morning, noon and night from him, so I can only guess. Also didn't need to give J a ride home from school today which was weird also. It kind of put me out of sorts. I still don't really know what's up with him. I feel as if we're in Limbo. I know that even if, lo and behold, we make it far enough to be committed to each other, we aren't meant for forever, I think. I was talking about it with my friend today, after dinner. I went to dinner with her and her family, for the Chinese New Year. I'm as white as can be, but I'm honorary chinese. But after we got back to her place after dinner, we were talking about J, and about I. She's the one that says no matter what happens, me and I are going to end up together. She said that she had mentioned the same to I's best friend, and he said the same thing. He told her not to tell me, but she already had, lol. He also said that he isn't going to tell I about it either because it would put pressure on him. I totally get that. I don't want there to be pressure for the 2 of us to get together, but I do think that the two of us will eventually get together. It's why I think that J and I aren't meant for forever. I do think we have the potential to last for years. I'm just not sure what he thinks. I need either J to man up and commit, or something along those lines, or I need I to finish being a playboy, and the two of us get together. I feel torn between the two guys. I have feelings for both; I, i've known for about 7 years, and I've had feelings for him the entire time. J, I gave my heart to him so quickly, and I love him. I care deeply for one, and love as a friend, and the other I love as a signifigant other does. Strong feelings for both. I love J, I do, but I think that if I was given the choice between him and I, I would choose I. He would treat me better, with more respect than J does.

A little more detail in my private life-not intended for children

It's been a few days since I've been on here. Helped one of my friends move on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. She was finally able to move into her own place with her husband. They've been married for almost 3 months, but due to some things, they weren't able to move out until this past weekend. I really like their apartment, even if it is all the way in Temecula, and my friend isn't walking distance from my house now. That part kind of sucks. We put in a full day, and helped them unpack some of their stuff. We were highly productive :) Got home about midnight Saturday night, and made it to bed at about 2. J sent me a text a 3am ish that I missed because I had put my phone on vibrate. I missed the call from him too, woke up when it finished ringing. Called him back, because why the heck was I being called at that time of morning?! I'll give you one guess, but I doubt you'll need it. I ended up going over there; got to his place around 430am ish?  He opened the door with his pants unzipped, and it went downhill from there. Didn't even get a "Hi". I blame it on the lack of sleep, and then later, curiosity, but I actually put up with it. Including putting up with him ignoring me for the next 2 1/2 hours...while he was "getting his". No joke, he was actually talking to other girls at the same time, the entire time. Needless to say, I am not happy with him. I kept at it, because I was curious to how long he would actually ignore me. And once he was finished, he literally passed out while still talking to someone, not sure who exactly she is, but 99% sure it was the same girl. Combine that with me PMSing? Puts me in a pissy mood. Then on Monday, I get a text asking if I'm busy, because he needs a ride to school. Told him I had to watch my gram. Then, today, I finally met this other guy, G, that I've been talking to. He'd been pushing to meet, but I didn't think it was fair to either me or him while I'm dealing with this stuff with J. So, I went on a lunch date with him. While I'm getting ready to leave, I get a text from J. Asking if I'm busy. I told him a friend was taking me to lunch, so I wasn't sure if I could pick him up from school, and I'd let him know. So, I go to lunch with G. I think it went well, though I got some weird vibes from him when we were leaving, so I'm not too sure. I left, and sent J a text saying that yes, i can pick him up. Now, normally, when I'm in the car with him, I drive with my left hand, and lean on my right arm on the center console. Not so today. He got in the car and I didn't so much as say hello, and I was driving with my right hand body angled away from him. We also normally don't speak much in the car, and if we do, I'm usually the one to initiate the conversation. Again, not so today. I didn't really say anything. At one point I asked what he was laughing about (in response to a text he was reading), and he said it was his ex, then was quick to point out they were together before he met me. He said he had run into her and her new bf. Ok, fine. Then, a couple minutes later, he asks me who I went to lunch with. I told him I went with my friend G, and then I left it at that. We get to his apartment complex, and as I'm getting ready to pull up to where I would drop him off at, he asks me if I want to come in for a few minutes. Again, out of the norm. Normally, I'll ask if I'm dropping him off or coming in. So  i go in and sit on the couch. He puts his stufff away, then comes andkisses me. Again, not the norm. Then, of course, he wants the same thing he wanted sat night/sun morn, but is nicer about it this time. I think i did it for maybe a minute, then I stopped, which is not like me. It's also not like him to not urge me to continue, but he didn't. So, he finishes, and we clean up, and I go sit back in my spot on the couch, and start playing a game on my phone. I'm still haven't said much, which isn't like me at all. He kept turning his head to look at me, but I pretty much was ignoring him. Then, when I got up to leave, he kissed me goodbye-as in he intiated it, not me. Usually, I kiss him when I leave. Some might say it's the same thing, because, technically, we're kissing each other, but there is a difference. Either way, judging by the way he acted toda,y I think he could tell I wasn't happy. I'm not sure how to bring up this weekend to him. Part of me wants to send him a text asking him what I am to him- a ride to and from school, an easy s***? Because that's what it felt like thhis weekend. Part of me wants to send him a text asking him if he realizes how much he hurt my feelings this weekend And then another part of me wants to send him a text telling him I want all, or nothing. Truthfully, I'd like answers to all of it. I don't want to set myself up to fall again; I've done it before with him, and it sucks. I'm trying very hard not to expect anything this time around, but it's hard. I give my heart so easily, and I gave it to him a long time ago. I still haven't said I love you, this time around. I doubt I'll be saying it anytime soon. Not with the way things are right now. Maybe if/when I know more of what's going on. Maybe I'll wait for him to say it. I feel kind of like I'm setting myself up to be played a fool. There's still that part of me though, that hopes that this time will be different, that this time, we'll make it through. I'm sure he'll be asking for a ride home tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

Ponderings

I've always had a weird view of myself in my head. When I was bigger, in my head I always saw myself as skinnier than I actually was, until I looked in the mirror. That's never a fun shock. Now that I've lost more than half the weight, I always see myself as bigger than I actually am. I've become more self-conscious at 213 lbs than I ever was at 298 lbs. It's a very weird feeling. I usually feel it the most if I'm in something like a bathing suit, or when I'm changing. I'll look at myself and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. It can be pretty depressing sometimes. I'm ok looking from the back; my skin has shrunk up surprisingly well from that view. It's the front that gets to me. All I can see is the loose skin. I can't wait to hit my goal weight, maintain for like 6 months, then get it all chopped off. My 11 year old sister likes playing with my loose skin. I'm "squishy" now, as she likes to say. Not where I want to be. The loose skin makes wearing some clothes hard. Someone else my same weight and height, would be able to wear the clothes that are a little more clingy, or revealing. But because I do have to deal with the excess skin, I cant. Under close fitting clothes, my skin tends to look like cottage cheese. Sucks big time. I worry too, that in my head, I will always be fat, no matter what size I end up. I think that's going to take a lot of getting used to, as I continue losing.

I'm still not entirely sure where I stand with J. It's disconcerting to say the least. I'm not sure how to broach the subject either. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to know the answer. I know that I've seen him teh past 4 days. Most of it was just picking him up, and dropping him off, but still, I did see him. I hung out at his place today for a couple-ish hours while he played WoW and COD. It was comfortable, how it used to be before all the drama. How it used to be when he refered to himself as my boyfriend. But we both still have active profiles on the dating site. I'm not sure how that plays into this. I'd delete my profile if he asked. I'd stop texting the couple of guys I've been talking to if he asked. I haven't done either though, because like I said, I'm just not sure where we stand. Its hard because I know that I still love him. I'm afraid to say the words now though, and I've always had the words. I'm different around him then when I'm with other people. Im quieter, which I doubt some people would believe. I am though. I can go a long time without my usual talking. I'm more passive, more malleable when I'm with him. It's a change for me. In most of my previous relationships, I've been the dominate one. The one that is louder, speaks up more, and I'm usually hell of a lot more stubborn. But not with him. That's something else I'm not too sure how I feel about. Time will only tell, I guess.

Gonna be a short one

Defintely been a long few days. But that has more to do with teh fact that I've been getting up earlier than I normally do. I'm not sure where things are headed yet with J, but I saw him yesterday and today. Took him to school, and picked him up from school and took him home, since his car broke down on Sunday. Hung out at his place for a little bit yesterday afternoon, I didn't stay all that long though. Still, it's been nice the little bit that I've seen him, despite the lack of conversation, lol. I dont mind that lack of conversation; it's just nice to see him, and not have to compete with the xbox. I'm not complaining about the xbox at all; I've known about it from the very beginning, and truth be told, I like watching him play. My mom hasn't been too happy about me driving and picking him up though-I have no job, and gas is expensive. Especially when I have to borrow money for said gas, so I can go pick him up. Not so much fun arguing with her. She doesn't know yet that I'm doing the same thing tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be meeting up with my dad soon, because he's going to give me money. I am so grateful for that, I don't think he knows how much. Ok, well, I'm off to bed, more tomorrow.

Not a fool...

I spent the last few days out at my dad's. Got kind of boring after a while. I'm so used to there being noise, and people in the background, that when I'm by myself for  more than a day, I don't know what to do I read 5 books from thursday night to saturday night made cinnamon rolls from scratch, made egg bites, an upside down lemon meringue pie, was just bored in general.I would  have made more stuff, but I didnt have the money to go buy more supplies. My dad and step-mom came home early; they came home last night rather than today. I ended up making more of the egg bites, and I did version #2 of the Chicken Enhilada Soup. It turned out soooo much better than the first batch I made earlier this week. I wish I had brought some back home to my mom's with me. I also threw out the idea to my dad, that while I am unemployed, I should go out there like once a week, and cook for them. Make them meals, and such, that can be frozen and taken out when needed. I think it's probably going to happen.

I finally got up the nerve to send J a text asking him if I'm a fool for getting my hopes up. He said I'm not, which of course, raises my hopes even more, lol. I was supposed to go over to his place tonight, but left Simi Valley too late, and he was falling asleep. I understood, but I was still kinda dissapointed. I was looking forward to falling asleep with him. It's been a long time since that's happened. On the upside, I will still be seeing him in the morning. Going to pick him up and take him to school. I feel anxious, and aprehensive, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because we've had such ups and downs. It could be because I never quite know what to expect from him. Or it could be memories of what has gone wrong in the past, and not wanting to duplicate the bad. Part of me wants to just ask him flat out, what does he want-in general, and more specifically, from me. The other part of me wants to just coast along, and not rock the boat. It would most likely be healthier to just ask. I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not even sure where this is going. If we're "friends", or "seeing eachother/dating" or what. I'm always afraid to ask. I'm also not sure if he's aware of how much I do still love him, and that I would give up just about anything for him, with the exception of  my family and friends. Maybe its good that he doesn't know. Maybe it will help to keep me from  making a fool of myself. I know I have in the past, in regards to him. So, for now, I will stick with what I do know. That I'm not a fool for getting my hopes up.

Depends on your definition of productive....

I think I had a fairly productive day. Did some laundry when I got up, then cooked my ground turkey. I seasoned it with taco meat, and it was yum. Then I made some Turkey Taco Egg Bites-main recipe courtesy of http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/01/super-bites.html They turned out really good, especially considering  I have a really hard time eating eggs. And there are plenty so I'm able to save some for my dad and step-mom to try. Then, because I was bored, I decided to make some cinnamon rolls from scratch. The recipe I used was so-so. The reviews for it said they tasted like Cinnabon's, but I found the icing a bit too sweet, and the dough pretty bland. I won't be using that recipe again. But, the house does smell good. It was kinda fun too, to try and find things to use in place of my normal tools. A wine bottle wrapped in plastic wrap in place of a rolling pin for example. Tomorrow I will be making the Lemon Meringue dessert thing.

I spoke to J earlier-well not actually spoke, but IM'd. It felt kind of awkward, and I didn't get the chance to ask him if I am a fool for getting my hopes up. I'll probably text him later and ask him. Maybe. I think I may need to get up the courage to do so. I have a can of 4lokos, and that will definitely do the trick of loosening my tongue, so to speak. Half a can does the trick of getting me buzzed so we shall see. Unfortunately, on the downside of having all this time by myself, is the time to think. Maybe I'm PMSing, maybe I'm just being emotional, but I keep crying. Not full blown crying, but wear I'm in the middle of doing something totally ordinary, and missing him gets to me, and I start to cry. Hunch over curled into the fetal position if possible, heart breaking kind of cry. I can usually stop it before it gets full blown but still. It really sucks. It could be subconsciously be the reason I made the cinnamon rolls. Fell back onto my old habits of comfort eating, using eating as a way to comfort the emotional pain.

Puddle of Mudd-Control

I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
Lock me up inside ya dirty cage
While I’m alone inside my mind

I like to teach you all the rules
I’d get to see them set in stone
I like it when you chain me to the bed
There ya secrets never shone

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve

I love the way you rape my skin
I feel the hate you place inside
I need to get your voice out of my head
Cause I’m the guy you’ll never find


I’m faking all of the rules
There’s no expressions on your face
I’m hoping some day you will let me go
Release me from my dirty cage

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve...you and me..

[repeat 4x]
I love the way you look at me
I love the way you smack my ass
I love the dirty things you do
I have control of you

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve you and me..

[repeat 4x]
You’re not the one for me, no

Home for a night

I spent the last couple of days out at my Dad's house in Simi Valley. Dog sitting. Lol. Which translates into feed the dogs in the morning, and let them out to do their business. They ignore me when my Dad and Step-mom leave. Unless I have food. But that's fine. It's quiet over there, and I have some privacy, which I don't have here. I tried a new Chicken Enchilada Soup recipe while I was out there. It was too bland for my tastes, so I'm going to tweak the recipe some this weekend. I got home today, and I'm driving back out there tomorrow to dog sit again while they go out of town for my Step-mom's birthday. I plan on making her something to suprise her like I did when they went out of town last year. Her favorite desert is Lemon Meringue Pie, and I did it with a twist last year. I made a Lemon Mernigue Tart, and Lemon Meringue Cookies, plus a Devils food cake with a carmel sauce filling, and coffee butter cream. Yum. This year, I plan on doing either an actual Lemon Meringue Pie, or do it with a twist again this year. I found a recipe where the merigue is the crust filled with a lemon custard. Kind of like an upside down pie. It sounds kinda fun.


As I mentioned perviously, I had emailed J in response to the notification I had recieved saying he had added me to his favorites. Still haven't heard from him, so I emailed him again today, but a little more in depth. Before I had simply asked "Does that mean you're done being mad?". Todays email- "

Or maybe you are still mad. This is driving me nuts. I wish I knew what you wanted. Everytime I go to the visitors page, and you show up, it gets my hopes up and breaks my heart at the same time. Then I get something in my inbox saying you added me to your favorites and you want me to know, and there go my hopes again. I don't know what to think. It makes it really hard to try and move on. I thought that was what you wanted. Now, I'm not sure, and I'm confused, and I don't know what you want. Just tell me, so I know if I'm a fool for getting my hopes up, or if I should move on. " . We'll see if I get a response this time. I really would like to know either way. Either tell me to F*** off, or start talking to me, or SOMETHING. It's killing me. A day doesn't pass where I don't think of him, and my heart aches everytime I do. I'm tired of my heart hurting. I'm tired of randomly crying because of him. And yet, I can't seem to stop.

**Update-- aparentl while I was typing this, I missed an IM from J :( But, even though I missed it, it's a good thing, because I finally heard back from him. He had signed off by the time I saw it, so I sent him an email with my number. Keeping my fingers crossed **

Going to end today's post with lyrics from a couple songs, both by Beth Nielsen Chapman.

Avalanch

I wasn't ready for the avalanche
When we let things slide
I'd always hoped that we would have the chance
At least to say we tried
So I went sifting though my old mistakes
On the day you left
And I decided to forgive myself
The heart can only take so much regret

You're all I'm aching for
And yet
I don't want this pain no more
And Yet
My heart won't lock that door
I wasn't ready for the avalanche
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

I wasn't ready for the words you chose
When you said goodbye
Or just how suddenly the roads could close
Between your life and mine
So I went looking for the reasons why
And I got so lost
And I decided I would have to try
To live without your love at any cost

You're all I'm aching for
And yet
I don't want this pain no more
I can't get
My heart to lock that door
And I wasn't ready for the avalanche

I Keep Coming Back to You

Seems like after all we've been through
We would have learned by now
Never to fight for gets the last word
It doesn't matter anyhow
But 'round and 'round we go in circles
Trying to work things through
And sometimes it feels like miles between us
But I keep coming back to you

CHORUS:
And it's rough
And it's tough
And it's harder than anything I've ever tried to do
But I love you so much that in spite of the struggle
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I keep coming back to you

Hold me now, just think about this room
That we have shared so long
We've studied that map of cracks on the ceiling
Talking till the break of dawn
There is something strong as history
Telling me this love is true
They say "Follow your heart and you'll be happy"
So I keep coming back to you

CHORUS

rambling along

It occurred to me that the reason I have been talking about my ex so much on here, is I can't really talk about it that much with my friends. Not really, really talk about it. lol. And that it's going to get confusing saying the ex, and that guy I was dating, so the ex will now be referred to as J, the guy I was dating will be M and the new guy I've been talking to will be M2. As well as someone else who shall be referred to as I. Huh. That may get confusing. Ok, well, i still haven't heard from J since I emailed him asking him if he is still mad, so I'm still kinda waiting on pins and needles to see what he says. My stomache is kind of in knots. I did go to teh movies with M last night; saw Season of the Witch, which was better than I expected. Afterwords I drove out and met M2. I think we could have fun together. Another thing we'll have to wait and see about. I went to the gym again today, and I am waaay sore. Going to have to take a few days off. Got to talking with my friend I was there with after our workout, and I was kind of going over the whole J stuff I've been going through lately, and I had told her how I almost asked him to marry me. She laughed, and said that even if I end up marrying him, we'll get divorced because she has always seen me endeding up with our friend I. I have a bit of a past, you could say, with I. We've hooked up a few times, flirt whenever we hangout, etc. I've always had a thing for him, which she knows. She's known him a lot longer than I have; they went to elementry school and such together, and she said she's never see him act the way he does with me with anyone else, and that I'm the only one he asks her about whenever he sees her, and asks her for my number though I never hear from him. Lol. Got my mind going tonight. Wondering what he does feel for me, and if my friend is right; maybe I will end up with I. Though it wouldn't happen until after he gets through this "playboy" stage.  Even with thoughts of I in my head, and having seen both M and M2 last night, I still can't get my mind, and heart, off of J. Waiting to see if he responds to the email is killing me. It's not fair of him to get my hopes up the way he has. To tell me he wants me to stay away, but to visit my page, and make sure I know he added me to his favorites, I'm just not sure what to think. Am I supposed to be getting my hopes up, that the one I love is ready to talk to me? Or is he just messing with my head, and my heart is going to break again?

The fat girl in my head.

Something that I have noticed since I had my Lap-Band is that people have a tendancy to think that since I have it, I won't want food anymore. That isn't true. As does almost every fat person, or former fat person, out there, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. It's not something that can change overnight, and I suspect I will always have , for lack of a better word, obsession with food. It drives my mom nuts. I talk about food a lot. I know I do. But I do seem obssessed with it. Even if I'm not hungry, I can talk about it. Even if it's something I know I can't eat because it will make me sick, I talk about it. On a bit of an upside, I try to find healthier recipes now. I try to find ways to make the foods I love a little bit healthier. Honestly, i'm kind of suprised I haven't mentioned food before now, because it's such a constant thought in my head.

I want to say that my self-esteem has gotten better since I've lost more than half the weight I need to lose. I still have moments though, where I feel like crud. When I change is a big one. I have a lot of loose skin now, and due to gravity, I'm kind of, well, droopy. I'm squishy, as my 11 year old sis likes to say. I can honestly say, I can't wait til I hit goal, and can get the excess cut off.

We dropped my sister off for camp yesterday. I always get jealous when her, and our other sisters go, because I'm too old. I have a lot of great memories up there. I made some great friends up there, people I'm still friends with. I was lucky to have them. :) Wasn't able to get to the gym yesterday but that's ok because I had already gone 3 days in a row. And go figure, I gained 3 pounds in the days I went to the gym, I don't go yesterday, and I lose 3 pounds. Weird.
In a previous post, I had mentioned that my ex and I are on the same dating site. The last I had heard from him in December he had said to stay away from him, and I have. In the past few weeks, I know he's been visiting my profile, and today, added me to his favorites list. I have my profile set to email me with new notifications. So I go on and check, and I have an email on the site saying "So-and-So has added you to his friends list, and wants you to know." I emailed him in response asking if he's done being mad then. Who knows. It's kinda confusing though. It goes along with the whole thing of that little bit of hope being kept alive. I told my friend, and she's annoyed with me for emailing him, but that's ok. I don't mind. I just hope he's not doing it to just mess with my head, and heart. I'm not ready for it to break again.
Again, in a previous post, I had also mentioned that I had been seeing someone, but I've only heard from him a couple times since before Christmas. As it tends to happen, whenever I mention I haven't heard from him, I hear from him. Happens without fail almost every time. Which means, you guessed it, I heard from him. I'm supposed to me meeting up with him tonight. Again, we'll see how it goes.

yesterday eh, ramblings of my heart today

So I skipped a day of blogging, but I'm not going to feel guilty since I'm doing better keeping up than I thought I would, lol. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. Made it to the gym with the 15 yr old sister, and sent my resume to one of my friends who forwarded to her boss (Thank You!). Answered an email on one of the dating sites I use. (Yes, I use dating sites, I hardly ever go out anymore, and that makes it hard to meet people). Today a was little more eventful. Heard from my friend I sent my resume to, and I have an interview in about a week and a half. We'll set up a definitive time sometime next week. :) I made it to the gym again (3rd day in a row, yay me!) and I hit the elliptical again. I figured I would barely make it 5 mins since I haven't worked out in 4 months, but I was able to make it 15 mins. I also spoke some more to the guy from the dating site. Exchanged instant message info, and then phone info, so we've been texting for the past few hours. This could have some potential. Hmmm. We shall see.

On another note, I'm going to show my pathetic side again. Still having issues not thinking about the ex. It could be because I've heard from him before that he never wants to hear from me again, and then a month or so later, I hear from him. It could be because we're both on the same dating site, and it matches us, so he pops up in my matches from time to time. I also know that he's been to my profile a couple times, the last being a couple days ago. I think that, in some part of my heart, I still have hope. Hope for what I'm not sure. Maybe it's that I feel I didn''t get closure on our relationship. Maybe it's because he is one of 3 people I've truly loved that wasn't family or friend. What I am sure of, is he will always have a piece of my heart. But so does everyone I've ever loved. Love can change it's form. No two people are alike, so I think it would be hard to love any two people the same way. It's hardest at night, when I'm the only one awake. I have nothing to distract me, and I'm alone with my thoughts, and it's when I get hit with memories. It's not even like we were together all that long. Long enough for me to give my heart. That's all it really takes in the end. It doesn't matter how long, but what you felt. But at night, that's when I miss him the most. When I still get that ache in my heart, and I feel discouraged about everything. It makes me want just one more night, where we fall asleep on the couch, or just one more kiss goodbye. I feel all this for him, and yet, I know that I can still go out there, and try to find someone new. Should I find someone new, I know that missing him will fade, and my memories of him, with him, will be bittersweet, but those will fade too, over time. Again though, it's hard for me to move on from someone who refered to himself as first my boyfriend, then my fiance; it's hard to move on because I believed it, and I wanted that. It's hard to move on from someone who tells you to break it off with the guy you started seeing after you broke up. You want to believe that when he said "I love you", he meant it, and that makes it hard to move on as well. But, everyday, I guess you could say it hurts a little less, and the hope fades a little more. Maybe its for the best. Or maybe he'll read this blog, and my hope will have been valid. Who knows. But for now, Sara Evans says it best....

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger

The Singing Bee, and my lowest weight since 10th grade

Today I auditioned for the tv show The Singing Bee, and I think that I did well. Even if I don't make it on, it was fun :) I hit the gym with Andrea on the way home, which was fun. First time working out in about 4 months, so I should be sore tomorrow. Too bad I had to work out in a skirt, since I grabbed it instead of the exercise pants I thought I grabbed. Definitely a challenge not to flash everybody. Oops. I'm going to cut this one short tonight since I need to start getting to bed early. Hopefully I'll be hitting the gym again tomorrow for some cardio :)

tough day :/

Today was definitely a tough day. It wasn't all bad, but there were some very tough parts. I got to see my friend Cynthia today on her lunch, which was fun since I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, and I used to see her every day at work. But even before I left to go meet up with her, I was already dealing with this back/chest pain thing that happens to me every once in awhile. The longest the pain has ever last is probably about 3 hours. Not today. Today it last more like 7 hours. Debilitating, makes you nauseous, makes you light headed, dizzy and gives you a headache type of pain, where you can't take a deep breath type of pain. In between all of this pain, my Gram got sick and kept throwing up. My poor mother was stuck with the two of us. She was dealing with her mom throwing up, and cleaning up after her, and having to worry about me. My pain got to the point where we almost went to the hospital. I would have earlier if I had health insurance, but I don't. The fact that we almost went anyways says a lot. The pain has been narrowed down to 3 main causes-either gallstones, or something close to either angina or a heart attack, or severe Gastroesophageal reflux disease. None of which are simple things to take care of,, on top of the Lap-BAnd issues. Needless to say, today was a tiring day.

Thankful...and other stuff

I have to say, I am truly thankful for my family and friends. Even when I want to kill my sisters at times, there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep them safe, and I am so thankful that I have them in my life. And I am lucky to have the best mom out there. I know we all say that about our own mother's, but she really is the best. She's still  putting up with me being stuck at home, and taking care of everyone else. I think we all take her for granted a little bit too much. I don't think the rest of the people in my house truly understand how much she does to keep all of our lives running as smoothly as she can, and how much crap she puts up with. 

Being unemployed means I have a lot of time on my hands, and I think about a lot of different things with nothing to occupy my mind. Earlier today I was think about how things turned out with an ex, and how he would have reacted to what I was going to ask him on Christmas, if we had still been together. I think fate works funny that way. A part of me still feels as if we aren't quite done with each other yet. Like there is something that has yet to happen. As much as it infuriates, and annoys some people I know, I do still love him. I don't tell them anymore, unless they ask,  but I know that no matter what happens, a part of me will always love him. And now I sound like one of the stupid girls I make fun of sometimes, oi vey. But I can't help but feel that way. I know that had a couple different things had happened, we wouldn't have ended the way we did. Had I told him, what I told only a handful of people. I still want to tell him, but I don't know if I ever will. When I first kept it from him, it was because he had something traumatic happen, and I couldn't add to that stress. And later, well, I didnt know how to bring it up, and I didn't know how he would react. I do need to put it out there that there was not another person involved, I didn't cheat on him. I need to make that very clear, because I know how things can become misconstrued. The people who know could verify that, or you can ask me what I'm talking about if you really want to know. I'll probably tell you. But back to what  I was going to ask him. I actually kind of pity myself now, knowing no, what I didn't know then. This is something that no one knew I was going to do. I was going to ask him to marry me. Even if it's backwards for the girl to ask, I didn't care. Though it wouldn't have been the first time the topic had been brought up, but I think it would have shocked him some. I know it's going to shock some people when they read this.

what did I accomplish today?

Not much, that's for sure, lol. I think I crotched for a good 8+ hours today. I have a baby beanie done, and I'ms about halfway done with a blanket for my cousin Amber's baby that is due in May. So that makes me happy :) On the downside for today, I've been having trouble with my Lap-Band. I had eaten something yesterday that didn't sit well, and it came back. It's never good for a Lap-band patient to heave. It can cause the Band to slip. Which I already have a problem with. So I had decided that I would take it easy foodwise today-then I woke up in the middle of the night for the 2nd night in a row throwing up stomache acid. Very much not pleasant. So I woke up this morning and decided that I was going to attempt to eat my artichoke my mom cooked for me-I did well until the last bite. Then it all came back. I proceeded for the rest of the day to throw up stomach acid and whatever else was in my stoamch. I am definitely going to be on a liquid diet tomorrow, and I will be taking some children's motrin to help with the swelling. Now it's off to bed for me, with extra pillows so I can sleep propped up, and hopefully not choke on stomach acid in the middle of the night :/

Bucket list

You always hear people talking about their Bucket List's, and I realized that I don't have one. Got me thinking about what would be on mine. So, here goes:

1. Eat at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
2. Travel to every state in the US
3. Drive Route 66 from beginning to end
4. Open my own bookstore/cafe
5. Be a wife
6. Be a mother
7. Go bungee jumping
8. Ride a mechanical bull
9. Run a mile
10. Master the Eliptical
11. Write my own cookbook
12. Write a book
13. Bike the L.A. Marathon
14. Run more than a mile
15. Go back to school, and get my AA
16. Get my BA

ok. that's it for now, more to come :)

depression, and why the people I date don't meet my family

So, I'm not keeping up as much as I;d like. I had some stuff I wanted to write about the other day, but I was being lazy, and didn't do it. I had my ohone interview for unemployment on monday, and I think it went well, so hopefully I'll get something. The lack of money has been attributing to my bleh mood. But I was already in a bleh mood, so either way...
On that topic, kind of, is what I had wanted to blog about previously, just a little more background on me, I suppose. For almost as long as I can remember, I've battled with depression; I've been off and on anti-depressents for at least the past 10 years; I cann't remember exactly when I first started taking them. It's been off and on because, even though I have needed them the whole time, I just plain can't afford them. It also goes hand in hand, for me at least, with my hypothyroidism-whish in turn goes hand in hand with my PCOS. Oi vey, that seems like a lot, lol. But I'm veering off here. The hypothyroidism screws up my horomones, and metabolism, and some other stuff when I don't take my meds-which again, has been off and on due to money issues. I really can't be off htem though. When I don't taky the thyroid pills is when my depression is at it's worst-the past few weeks being the perfect example. I just want to sleep all day, close my eyes, and hide from the world. It's easier, sometimes, when my eyes are shut. I lack the energy to do anything, even to sit there and type at the computer. I'm moody just plain bitchy, and I want to cry all the time. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this out there for everyone to see; maybe I gues, in hopes that someone will read this and understand me a bit better. Although those who aren't that close to me don't know that I battle with depression on a daily basis. I've learned to hide it well, because sometimes, our society just doesnt understand. I know how to smile, and laugh, and seem happy, even as I'm breaking inside, even as it feels as parts of me are shattered, and will never be whole again. Even when I'm at home, when I can show it more, I can't fully let it out. My family wouldn't understand, that's for sure, especially since sometimes I try my best to keep parts of my life seperate from them. Not because I'm ashamed of those parts, but because I'm just not ready for those parts to merge.

Jumping topics here-I'm probably going to do that a lot, it's just how my mind works.
Out of the guys I've dated, I have only ever brought one for my family to meet. (Part of that is because the one time my family did meet my boyfriend, I heard about him for a couple years after we broke up from my youngest sisters. I still hear about him actually, and it's been 6 years, lol.) I dated someone off and on for almost 2 years and not once did I bring him home to meet my family  That should have been a big clue for me, I suppose. I knew deep down he wouldn't, I guess understand is the best word, my family. I'm very close with my family, both my immediate family and extended. And my family is large, and loud, and well, weird at times. But I love them, and I wouldn't be me without them. But back to the topic at hand, for the moment. It's hard for me to merge these parts of my life together-my love life, and my family life. The last time I even though of bringing someone to meet any of my family, something happened-I'm still not even sure what- and we ended up breaking up. Which made me glad I hadn't brought me home, but for the same reason it made me sad. I really do want to be able to take a boyfriend to a family gathering, and introduce him as my boyfriend. (It would also help dispel the ruomours that I am gay. Which I am not. One of my cousins decided to spread that rumour, fueled on by my mother's husband.)
I wish I knew a little more of what is going on in my love life. I am/was datiing someone, but I haven't heard from him much since right before Christmas so I'm not too sure what's going on. I wish I knew. Then I would  know if I should start looking around for someone new or if I should just be patient. Though, I'm not sure where we were headed. I really like him, but to the best of my knowledge, he doenst want any more kids, and I want them, and I want to get married someday. Dating, and being single, sucks. As of right now, out of my close friends that I see the most, I am the only one that is single. My girlfriends are either married, or are in long-term relationships. Then there's me. The single one. And it's not even like they can really set me up on a blind date, because we know all of the same people. Ugh. I wish this part of life was a little easier. Though I was headed the long term direction with my ex-much to the chagrine of a couple of my friends, but I was happy with that direction. Sure it was moving a little fast (or to some people, a lot fast), but it suited my personality. If he had said let's go to Vegas, I would have done it. Not sure if he knew that. WOnder how he would have reacted then if I had said it. Hmmm, something for me to ponder while I try to fall asleep.

Ok, well I probably should go to bed, it's almost 1 am, and I have a crappy sleep schedule right now. Night Night.

January 1st, 2011

The start of a new day, month, year and decade. Here's to hoping that this year is better than last year by leaps and bounds.