Sometimes I wish, for a mistake.

It's been awhile since I posted. I don't really have an excuse. I kept meaning to, and I was just too lazy, which is kinda sad. On Wed I finally asked J what I am to him. Or, as I put it "Here's a question for you...What am I to you?" His response "my gf". My friends say that I left that too open ended, but that answered my question. For now, lol. After that, I told G taht I couldn't see him. I honestly didn't know what I was going to tell him, and I feel kinda bad, but I'd rather follow my heart. Besides, I think he would clash greatly with parts of me. With J, I just want to be back where we were before all of teh major drama started, all the way back in Sep. It was a long few stressful months between Sep and Jan. A lot of ups and downs. I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I called J my boyfriend, and she said I don't have a boyfriend because she hasn't met him. I argued that she doesn't let me bring people over, and we don't have money to go out to dinner or anything like that, so how does she expect to meet him. I think I kinda one that one. But my friend said taht same thing. I haven't introduced him to any of my friends or family. I do need to rectify that. I'm trying to figure out a good place and time. I know that my friends are going to grill him. They flat out said so, lol. I love them. It's kinda a big thing for me to introduce him, but I know I need to. I've met his mom, his two best friends he calls his brothers, and I was supposed to meet his step-dad and step-brothers last summer, but I was out of town and wasn't able to. So, I am severly behind here. I'm just not sure where. My girls say dinner, but it feels kinda like a trap for him, lol. I was thinking maybe going and playing pool. THe girls could invite their guys, so maybe he wouldn't be the only guy. I just don't know. I do know that if I want this to go anywhere, I do need to start introducing though. I get kinda jealous of my friends now, and I don't like it. One married, one engaged, one wearing a promise ring. All these weddings. I want that. There was the beginning of talks of wedding, I guess you could say, with me and J, back in Sep. Some talk of babies. Then s*** hit the fan, and it didn't happen. Now it feels as if we're starting all over again, except I'm already in love with him. Still playing the waiting game. I probably won't see him tomorrow; I have a family thing, and he's going out with one of his brotehrs, I think. So, hopefully I'll see him Sunday. Maybe I'll tell him in person I love him. I've said he's the person I love via text, but I haven't said it yet. I guess I'm still kind of afraid to. I think I know that once I do say it out loud again, I'm not going to be able to protect my heart anymore. I've been keeping part of it reserved, trying to prevent it from being hurt, but what is love without hurt..

No Doubt
Simple Kind of Life

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life