Thankful...and other stuff

I have to say, I am truly thankful for my family and friends. Even when I want to kill my sisters at times, there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep them safe, and I am so thankful that I have them in my life. And I am lucky to have the best mom out there. I know we all say that about our own mother's, but she really is the best. She's still  putting up with me being stuck at home, and taking care of everyone else. I think we all take her for granted a little bit too much. I don't think the rest of the people in my house truly understand how much she does to keep all of our lives running as smoothly as she can, and how much crap she puts up with. 

Being unemployed means I have a lot of time on my hands, and I think about a lot of different things with nothing to occupy my mind. Earlier today I was think about how things turned out with an ex, and how he would have reacted to what I was going to ask him on Christmas, if we had still been together. I think fate works funny that way. A part of me still feels as if we aren't quite done with each other yet. Like there is something that has yet to happen. As much as it infuriates, and annoys some people I know, I do still love him. I don't tell them anymore, unless they ask,  but I know that no matter what happens, a part of me will always love him. And now I sound like one of the stupid girls I make fun of sometimes, oi vey. But I can't help but feel that way. I know that had a couple different things had happened, we wouldn't have ended the way we did. Had I told him, what I told only a handful of people. I still want to tell him, but I don't know if I ever will. When I first kept it from him, it was because he had something traumatic happen, and I couldn't add to that stress. And later, well, I didnt know how to bring it up, and I didn't know how he would react. I do need to put it out there that there was not another person involved, I didn't cheat on him. I need to make that very clear, because I know how things can become misconstrued. The people who know could verify that, or you can ask me what I'm talking about if you really want to know. I'll probably tell you. But back to what  I was going to ask him. I actually kind of pity myself now, knowing no, what I didn't know then. This is something that no one knew I was going to do. I was going to ask him to marry me. Even if it's backwards for the girl to ask, I didn't care. Though it wouldn't have been the first time the topic had been brought up, but I think it would have shocked him some. I know it's going to shock some people when they read this.