It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've felt that there hasn't been much to talk about. Well, nothing new anyways. O guess that's not exactly true. It's more of, I don't want to acknowledge what is staring me in the face. I can say that I have, but deep down I really haven't. In a previous post I had mentioned that J had changed his FB status to in a relationship, and when I asked him what I am to him, he replied his girlfriend. So, then why is it, that it took him until 3 days ago to accept my friend request? And before he accepted it, changed his relationship status back to "single". And why is it, that he decided to delete me from his friends list, and now his profile is private. Hmmmm. ( <---- please note the sarcasm at this point). My phone has been shut off again. It's been partially shut off for the past couple weeks, but is fully shut off now. J knew this. I emailed him, and sent an instant message to his phone, at the beginning of last week. He was on Spring Break last week. You would think, that as his "girlfriend", I would see him, or at the very least, hear from him, at least once. He knows how to get a hold of me when my phone is off. Apparently that is expecting to much from him. I saw him the Thursday before Spring Break, and did not hear from him until this morning. Which is when he started back at school. And guess who normally gives him a ride home from school? Me, that's who.  I was already expecting to hear from him in some way this morning. Because, while I may seem stupid, and let people think that, I really am not. Like, I'm not blind to the fact that he talks to other girls. Hell, he talks to them when I am sitting next to him, which is pretty freaking disrespectful. I'm not blind to the fact that it seems the only time he makes an effort to contact me, is when he needs something. I've stopped asking him, pretty much, if he needs a ride. I make him ask now. I'm not blind to the fact that he lies, about really stupid stuff. I never say anything though, because it's usually just not worth the effort. What's really horrible, is that most of our relationship has been this way, and it's really sad that I put up with it. It's sad that even though I know all of this about him, I know that I'm going to continue putting up with it, because I love him. And I really don't deserve that. I deserve someone who treats me with respect, and doesn't show such a blatant disregard for my feelings. I don't deserve having my heart broken, again, by him. But, we rarely get what we deserve, it seems. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I do have a feeling though, that there will be changes to our relationship very soon. I should be working with my Dad again soon. Which means a full time 40 hour per week job, with a commute. I won't be there to pick him up from school anymore. I'll be leaving the house by 6:30 am, and  not getting home until close to 7. Later if I hit the gym after. Right now, he's used to me not having a job, and pretty much being free all the time. He's used to me bringing him things if he needs something, even though it's a 20 minute drive from my house to his, AND I receive no income. Stupid of me, yes, I know. I'll have the income, but not the time anymore. I would have time after work, but when I hang out over there, I usually leave before then, because his mom gets home between 8 and 9. So the weekdays probably wouldn't work for him. And we haven't hung out on a weekend in awhile. Mostly because of him, but there were a couple instances where I had other plans. My gut feeling tells me that on the weekends, he probably makes dates with other girls. So,  where does that leave me when I start working? For the most part, I'm willing to make this work. I know that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be plenty of trials and tribulations, but I know that love doesn't come easy. When you really get into the nitty gritty of it, it comes down to him, and what he really wants. To how he really feels. If he actually loves me, like he says he does, then there's a chance we could make it. But I will issue an ultimatum, I guess you could say. Something that is usually a pretty obvious thing in a relationship, but for some reason, doesn't apply to him. He would have to commit solely to me. No more talking to other girls online, for the purpose of dating. Delete all of his profiles at dating websites. Something that should be a given. I would do the same. Yes, I still have my profiles up, but I don't really go on them. I go on one, for the sole purpose of emailing J. And while I can honestly say that I haven't been with anyone, sexually, since before he said I was his gf, I'm not sure about him. I would cut off contact with that one guy though. Too bad I make friends with them, lol. If he and I don't make it through this, I'm done. I won't go back to him anymore. I'm done with the back and forth, and never knowing. If we end it, it will be done for good this time. I know that I can live without him. It hurts, but I think it would hurt less this time, even though I still love him just as much as I did before. I didn't give him all of my heart this time, yet. Should we  make it through, yea, I'll let the rest of the walls down, but for now, and I'm going to try and protect my heart from as much hurt as possible. And, should we not make it through, I'm probably going to ask I out. Not sure how soon after. But if we're really supposed to end up together, I don't want to wait, lol. I'm ready to settle down. I though it was going to be J. It's not like we hadn't kind of talked about it before we broke up before. At this exact moment, were he to ask, I'm not sure what I would say. But I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. What I know, is I'm tired of playing his fool. We need to decide one way or the other I think. I don't think I can live like this for much longer.

In regards to J, I have found some quotes that will suit, should we come to that point.

He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left

You've never felt pain until you've felt love

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more."

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak!
It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

I'm not over you because I don't like you anymore, I'm over you because I've realized that you're never going to want me like I want you.

You can't ever let go of all the feelings, But you need to let go of him.

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back.


On another note, I have 2 things I want to add to my bucket list, that I want to accomplish this year

Get out of Debt

Move out

If I have this new job, and it pays even decently (Not like the previous job-what I was making before put me below poverty level) decently being at least twice what I was making at my last job, I'm pretty sure I can make those 2 things happen.
Ok, well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. Hopefully I won't let 2 weeks pass by before I get back on here