Where to begin. These past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not so much to where you could tell if, but they have. The scale finally dipped down below 200 for about a day and half. But now it's hovering between 200.4 and 201.4. It's frustrating, especially the way I've been eating. Or rather, how I can't eat in the morning but I'm starving at night. But if I eat to late, I get insane acid reflux, and I end up choking half the night. It's a fine line that I'm walking. I'm already taking OTC heartburn meds, and I keep tums with me at all times. I went from being tight, to being able to eat whatever I want at night, for the most part. That's scary for me. I'm left depending on will power again, and its a hrad thing. It's hard to deal with the fact taht I do have an unhealthy relationship with food. I love it, and hate it all at the same time. But mostly I love it. Which is one of my problems. The past week or so I've been able to eat bread, which is something I'd rather not be able to eat right now. Without the restriction I'm used to in my band though, bread has become a new option. I've been able to eat bread, and it's made me bloated. I have a wheat allergy, among many others. Not being able to eat it is easier than saying no to it. I love bread. I love the smell of it, and the textures. It doesn't love me though, especially with the allergy. I'm able to eat a lot of stuff that I couldn't before, that I shouldn't be eating, and while I know this, I'm having a hard time saying no. Which means that the scale is not going to be my friend right now. I had an appointment for an adjusment on the 22nd, but at that point I didn't need it, and the Dr. wouldn't have given me one even if I asked for one. They were supposed to call me with my new apppointment date, for the end of April, but my phone is shut off, and that's where they call me. It's hard not having my phone. I feel like a shut in at times, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world. I don't have the ability to just shoot off a text message to a friend if I need to, or be able to keep in contact when I'm out of the house. I havent had a steady income since November. It makes life hard. It means I have to rely on other to support me, and at my age, I really shouldn't need that. I do have a job lined up though, with my Dad. He is in negotiations to get me hired, so that will be nice. I'll have to commute, but it will be a full time job, that hopefully pays well.
On a bit of a happier note, J and I are doing well, I think. Or should I say, in my opinion? No, I haven't talked to him like I need to. Yes, I will eventually talk to him about it. It's starting to feel kind of how it did before we broke up last September, minus all the drama. Knock on wood, but this is the longest we've gone without fighting. It feels nice. Even with the stuff that has happened, it's still been a smoother run. There was a spot over the weekend where I got that feeling, but it wasn't the right time to say anything. Besides, I was talking to the girl too, lol. That is where a part of the problem lies too, I guess. When I talk to the other girls at the same time, I'm condoning it. No matter how smooth things are going, I will need to get the point across soon. I don't care if he has friends that are girls. I have friends that are guys. Fine. What isn't fine is if he's leading them on. It isn't fair all a round. I didn't get that vibe though on Saturday night. It was more talk on his end. But, it still goes back to I need to make a point soon. That I don't want to share. That I'm in this for the long run, and yes, that does mean I want a family. It won't mean I want to get married and have a baby right this instant. It will mean that I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Knowing me, I'll probably end up bringing it up after I've had a drink. Not drunk, just kind of tipsy. Maybe sometime soon. We'll see how the job goes. That will definitely end up playing into it. I won't be there everyday. The commute will cut into my time, but I'm willing to make it work, as long as he is. I can handle not seeing him most days like I do now, if I get to see him on the weekends. I can get a little less sleep some nights if it means I get to see him. In the end though, it depends on if he's willing to work with me. I love him enough to make sacrifices. We'll see if he loves me enough to put an effort into making it work too.
Martina McBride
Yeah
The sun is shining everyday
The clouds never get in the way for you and me
I’ve known you just a week or two
But baby I’m so into you I can hardly breathe
And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So physically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I love you
I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our next kiss
You’re so cool
If I’m dreaming please don’t wake me up
’cause baby I can’t get enough of what you do
And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I can’t believe
That this is real
The way I feel
Baby I’ve gone head over heels
And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So fisically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Yeah
And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
Baby I love you
Do you love me too?
Baby I love you
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