Fool?

I hate it when I start thinking, and I over analyze things. I spent the night at J's last night. Or rather, watched tv and watched him play XBOX until 4:30am, then we went to bed. I got there at like 4:30 in the afternoon. It was nice just hanging out all that time, not worrying about having to go somewhere, or whatnot. It did get kind of awkward when his mom got home from work; I had previously been convinced that she dodn't like me. Apparently we're fine, lol. Talked wth her for about an hour or so while J played his games. But, there are still times when I kind of feel that J is playing me for a fool, and I hate feeling like that. I pick him up from school most days, and financially, it's really a strain for me to do. I don't have a job, and I'm not recieving unemployment for some reason. Gas is expensive. :/ That part kind of sucks. If I'm just dropping him off, I usually get a kiss goodbye, but that's about it. I know that he was/is talking to other grils. I know he was before, I'm not as sure right now, but I wouldn't be suprised. And seeing as I have spoken to a couple other people, he as every right to do so. But that's not what I want. I don't know how to bring it up, without sounding like a fool, or desperate, or just stupid. M called me last night, while I was at J's. Said he wants to hang out tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to do. J and I aren't official or anything like that, but it feels like we're at the point we were at in the beginning-like julyish- when I stopped talking to and seeing other people. I don't want to ask if it's ok with him if I go out with M, because then it kind of backtracks us. I'm tired of being in this limbo. I want to be able to tell him again that I love him. It's been a long time since I've said it. I've said it before; I'd do just about anything he asked me to. If that makes me weak then so be it. Maybe I am weak. It's getting harder to hold back my feelings for him, but I don't want to put myself out there and get heartbroken again. I've gotten back to the point where I miss him if I don't see him after a day or two. I've gotten used to seeing him 4 times a week or more. I don't like missing him. It sucks. I wish I could read his mind and see what he's thinking in regards to me. I'd rather know now than later if I'm being played for a fool. I really hope not.

So, I got another adjustment on my Lap-Band on Tuesday. Andthen I was stupid, because even though I KNOW I'm supposed to be on liquids for a good 24-72 hours after, depending on my swelling, I ate anyways. Big mistake. Return of the acid reflux, choking in the middle of the night, and not being able to keep anything down. I was lucky if my water stayed down. I'm pretty sure I tore part of my stomach during that time because I was also spitting up blood-not fun at all. I didn't call teh Dr. though because I was pretty sure it was mainly due to swelling, and mostly my fault at that/ I ate some chicken on Wed, then between then and this morning, I had a hadful of goldfish crackers, and Tums. But being on liquids like that helped. I was able to eat some peanut butter, and some jelly-I went to breakfast with friends, and they had packets of peanut butter, with teh packets of jelly- plus some sweet potato fries. I had some ice cream-mainly because I thought the cold would help with any extra swelling I still had, then a cookie(Bad Sara!), and then some Broccoli Cheese Soup. PLus I was able to eat some popcorn earlier. It may sound like I ate a lot, btu I really didn't. Hopefully the scale still moves downward tomorrrow. I hit 90lbs gone this morning, and I want to continue going downwards. I'm 6 pounds from being merely overweight instead of obese, 9 lbs from weighing less than 200, and 10 lbs from my 100lbsgone mark. Keeping my fingers crossed.

My lyrics for this post

Linger by the Cranberries

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger