Jar of Hearts

Have you heard that song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? It's a great song. And I'm sure that there are plenty of people, both female and male who can relate to this song. Though the song was written by her post break up from when she was dating a "player", and that's how most people relate to this, but I guess you could say that I'm not most people. I'm still with J, but this song strikes a cord with me. J and I have definitely not had a smooth ride. We've had our ups and downs. We've been off and on since June. We're still on right now. But even during the times when we weren't togetehr it was still kinda rocky. I had hung out with him, unaware that he was seeing someone else. It was a suprise to me the next day when she started talking to me, and told me who she was. That was a hard one. But then, it's always hard when someone you're in love with is dating someone else. Right now, I kind of get the sense that I am being played, but I hvae nothing to base it on. Well, that's not true, I do have some things to base my suspisions on. I know that he has been talking to other girls. This, I am 100% sure of. I know because he's done so while I'm sitting next to him. When we were together before, I didn't say anything to him about it, even though it hurt. I don't think I can sit around while he does this again. He says that I'm his girlfriend, but neither of us has said anything about exclusivity. I always before thought that it was implied with the title. I've learned that apparently it isn't. In you're head, you always imagine the way a relationship should be. Then, you enter into said relationship, and everything you imagined is, well, wrong. I always thought that it would be easy to speak what is on my mind to my boyfriend. Turns out all my insecurities are still there. I still have a very hard time bringing up anything of importance. For all my loudness, and liking to talk, I've always been a chicken sh** when it come to anything important. I don't know how to bring up that I want exclusivity. I know that I need to. I know that I feel like crap because of it. Awhile ago, driving to his place after picking him up, I had been talking about my eventual plastic surgeries, and he had made a comment that implied he would be there for the long run. My friend brought up something to me the past week- I'm doing all these things to make my life better, and I need someone who deserves the new me. Which means that I need to bring up the exclusivity. That I need to grow a pair, and deal with the hard stuff, even if it means losing him. That's the part that kills me. I'm not ready to lose him. It's something I may have to deal with though. There is also the underlying feelings I have for I. My friend has told me, more than once, that she knows tha I'm going to end up with him. The thing is, that's what I think too. It's a hard conflict for me. I'm in love with someone that I don't want to lose,
but there is someone else taht I think I'm going to end up with. It impares my judgement at times, I think. But I'm not ready for it to be over with J. I'm not sure if I ever will be. And that sad part is, he knows how to get to me. He knows that he's my weakness without me ever saying it. He knows I love him. And he knows that every other time, I have gone back to him, so what's to keep him from acting the same? So, how do I deal with this. How do I bring up my insecurities with him, and tell him that I want it all. And when  i say all, I mean all. He's the one who really set my biological clock off. Before getting together this time, he refered to himself as my ex-fiance. He had asked me to have a baby with him-albeit he was drunk when he brought up that one, but he still put it out there. You just can't do that to a girl. I want back what we had. I want to know that the man I love, still wants me, and no one else. With I, I don't know when that will happen. It may be years down the road. But J? I'm with him now, and I love him, and I what I want is a natural progression of that love, especially since it has been brought up in the past. My other big thing with him is that I have yet to introduce him to any of my family and friends. And they don't like that one bit. According to them, he is not my boyfriend, because they have not yet met him. Bringing someone to meet my family and friends is a big one for me. Big enough that I have only done it one other time. But if I want it all from him, it needs to happen, and soon. I'm supposed to be going to Laughlin in 2 weeks with family, and I want to ask him to come, but I'm still very unsure. Especially since even though I know what I want from this, I don't know what he wants. It feels like I got to spend more time with him before. I don't see him as much as I used to. I know that he was supposed to be busy over this past weekend, but I don't know what his plans were supposed to be. I'm pretty sure they got canceled though, because he ended up getting sick. At least, he said he was sick all weekend, and I choose to believe him. But I don't know how he'll react when I say I want him to meet my people, and hell It feels as if he's been trying to keep himself kind of distanced this time around, and honestly, I've done the same. But I'm done with it. I finally said I love you to him again too. It felt good, especially since I hadn't said it in so long. So, now, I have all this I need to bring up, and no clue how in the hell I'm going to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and praying about it a lot. I don't want to make this song part of my reality again.

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?