Ponderings

I've always had a weird view of myself in my head. When I was bigger, in my head I always saw myself as skinnier than I actually was, until I looked in the mirror. That's never a fun shock. Now that I've lost more than half the weight, I always see myself as bigger than I actually am. I've become more self-conscious at 213 lbs than I ever was at 298 lbs. It's a very weird feeling. I usually feel it the most if I'm in something like a bathing suit, or when I'm changing. I'll look at myself and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. It can be pretty depressing sometimes. I'm ok looking from the back; my skin has shrunk up surprisingly well from that view. It's the front that gets to me. All I can see is the loose skin. I can't wait to hit my goal weight, maintain for like 6 months, then get it all chopped off. My 11 year old sister likes playing with my loose skin. I'm "squishy" now, as she likes to say. Not where I want to be. The loose skin makes wearing some clothes hard. Someone else my same weight and height, would be able to wear the clothes that are a little more clingy, or revealing. But because I do have to deal with the excess skin, I cant. Under close fitting clothes, my skin tends to look like cottage cheese. Sucks big time. I worry too, that in my head, I will always be fat, no matter what size I end up. I think that's going to take a lot of getting used to, as I continue losing.

I'm still not entirely sure where I stand with J. It's disconcerting to say the least. I'm not sure how to broach the subject either. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to know the answer. I know that I've seen him teh past 4 days. Most of it was just picking him up, and dropping him off, but still, I did see him. I hung out at his place today for a couple-ish hours while he played WoW and COD. It was comfortable, how it used to be before all the drama. How it used to be when he refered to himself as my boyfriend. But we both still have active profiles on the dating site. I'm not sure how that plays into this. I'd delete my profile if he asked. I'd stop texting the couple of guys I've been talking to if he asked. I haven't done either though, because like I said, I'm just not sure where we stand. Its hard because I know that I still love him. I'm afraid to say the words now though, and I've always had the words. I'm different around him then when I'm with other people. Im quieter, which I doubt some people would believe. I am though. I can go a long time without my usual talking. I'm more passive, more malleable when I'm with him. It's a change for me. In most of my previous relationships, I've been the dominate one. The one that is louder, speaks up more, and I'm usually hell of a lot more stubborn. But not with him. That's something else I'm not too sure how I feel about. Time will only tell, I guess.