So, I'm not keeping up as much as I;d like. I had some stuff I wanted to write about the other day, but I was being lazy, and didn't do it. I had my ohone interview for unemployment on monday, and I think it went well, so hopefully I'll get something. The lack of money has been attributing to my bleh mood. But I was already in a bleh mood, so either way...
On that topic, kind of, is what I had wanted to blog about previously, just a little more background on me, I suppose. For almost as long as I can remember, I've battled with depression; I've been off and on anti-depressents for at least the past 10 years; I cann't remember exactly when I first started taking them. It's been off and on because, even though I have needed them the whole time, I just plain can't afford them. It also goes hand in hand, for me at least, with my hypothyroidism-whish in turn goes hand in hand with my PCOS. Oi vey, that seems like a lot, lol. But I'm veering off here. The hypothyroidism screws up my horomones, and metabolism, and some other stuff when I don't take my meds-which again, has been off and on due to money issues. I really can't be off htem though. When I don't taky the thyroid pills is when my depression is at it's worst-the past few weeks being the perfect example. I just want to sleep all day, close my eyes, and hide from the world. It's easier, sometimes, when my eyes are shut. I lack the energy to do anything, even to sit there and type at the computer. I'm moody just plain bitchy, and I want to cry all the time. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this out there for everyone to see; maybe I gues, in hopes that someone will read this and understand me a bit better. Although those who aren't that close to me don't know that I battle with depression on a daily basis. I've learned to hide it well, because sometimes, our society just doesnt understand. I know how to smile, and laugh, and seem happy, even as I'm breaking inside, even as it feels as parts of me are shattered, and will never be whole again. Even when I'm at home, when I can show it more, I can't fully let it out. My family wouldn't understand, that's for sure, especially since sometimes I try my best to keep parts of my life seperate from them. Not because I'm ashamed of those parts, but because I'm just not ready for those parts to merge.
Jumping topics here-I'm probably going to do that a lot, it's just how my mind works.
Out of the guys I've dated, I have only ever brought one for my family to meet. (Part of that is because the one time my family did meet my boyfriend, I heard about him for a couple years after we broke up from my youngest sisters. I still hear about him actually, and it's been 6 years, lol.) I dated someone off and on for almost 2 years and not once did I bring him home to meet my family That should have been a big clue for me, I suppose. I knew deep down he wouldn't, I guess understand is the best word, my family. I'm very close with my family, both my immediate family and extended. And my family is large, and loud, and well, weird at times. But I love them, and I wouldn't be me without them. But back to the topic at hand, for the moment. It's hard for me to merge these parts of my life together-my love life, and my family life. The last time I even though of bringing someone to meet any of my family, something happened-I'm still not even sure what- and we ended up breaking up. Which made me glad I hadn't brought me home, but for the same reason it made me sad. I really do want to be able to take a boyfriend to a family gathering, and introduce him as my boyfriend. (It would also help dispel the ruomours that I am gay. Which I am not. One of my cousins decided to spread that rumour, fueled on by my mother's husband.)
I wish I knew a little more of what is going on in my love life. I am/was datiing someone, but I haven't heard from him much since right before Christmas so I'm not too sure what's going on. I wish I knew. Then I would know if I should start looking around for someone new or if I should just be patient. Though, I'm not sure where we were headed. I really like him, but to the best of my knowledge, he doenst want any more kids, and I want them, and I want to get married someday. Dating, and being single, sucks. As of right now, out of my close friends that I see the most, I am the only one that is single. My girlfriends are either married, or are in long-term relationships. Then there's me. The single one. And it's not even like they can really set me up on a blind date, because we know all of the same people. Ugh. I wish this part of life was a little easier. Though I was headed the long term direction with my ex-much to the chagrine of a couple of my friends, but I was happy with that direction. Sure it was moving a little fast (or to some people, a lot fast), but it suited my personality. If he had said let's go to Vegas, I would have done it. Not sure if he knew that. WOnder how he would have reacted then if I had said it. Hmmm, something for me to ponder while I try to fall asleep.
Ok, well I probably should go to bed, it's almost 1 am, and I have a crappy sleep schedule right now. Night Night.
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