Ponderings

I've always had a weird view of myself in my head. When I was bigger, in my head I always saw myself as skinnier than I actually was, until I looked in the mirror. That's never a fun shock. Now that I've lost more than half the weight, I always see myself as bigger than I actually am. I've become more self-conscious at 213 lbs than I ever was at 298 lbs. It's a very weird feeling. I usually feel it the most if I'm in something like a bathing suit, or when I'm changing. I'll look at myself and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. It can be pretty depressing sometimes. I'm ok looking from the back; my skin has shrunk up surprisingly well from that view. It's the front that gets to me. All I can see is the loose skin. I can't wait to hit my goal weight, maintain for like 6 months, then get it all chopped off. My 11 year old sister likes playing with my loose skin. I'm "squishy" now, as she likes to say. Not where I want to be. The loose skin makes wearing some clothes hard. Someone else my same weight and height, would be able to wear the clothes that are a little more clingy, or revealing. But because I do have to deal with the excess skin, I cant. Under close fitting clothes, my skin tends to look like cottage cheese. Sucks big time. I worry too, that in my head, I will always be fat, no matter what size I end up. I think that's going to take a lot of getting used to, as I continue losing.

I'm still not entirely sure where I stand with J. It's disconcerting to say the least. I'm not sure how to broach the subject either. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to know the answer. I know that I've seen him teh past 4 days. Most of it was just picking him up, and dropping him off, but still, I did see him. I hung out at his place today for a couple-ish hours while he played WoW and COD. It was comfortable, how it used to be before all the drama. How it used to be when he refered to himself as my boyfriend. But we both still have active profiles on the dating site. I'm not sure how that plays into this. I'd delete my profile if he asked. I'd stop texting the couple of guys I've been talking to if he asked. I haven't done either though, because like I said, I'm just not sure where we stand. Its hard because I know that I still love him. I'm afraid to say the words now though, and I've always had the words. I'm different around him then when I'm with other people. Im quieter, which I doubt some people would believe. I am though. I can go a long time without my usual talking. I'm more passive, more malleable when I'm with him. It's a change for me. In most of my previous relationships, I've been the dominate one. The one that is louder, speaks up more, and I'm usually hell of a lot more stubborn. But not with him. That's something else I'm not too sure how I feel about. Time will only tell, I guess.

Gonna be a short one

Defintely been a long few days. But that has more to do with teh fact that I've been getting up earlier than I normally do. I'm not sure where things are headed yet with J, but I saw him yesterday and today. Took him to school, and picked him up from school and took him home, since his car broke down on Sunday. Hung out at his place for a little bit yesterday afternoon, I didn't stay all that long though. Still, it's been nice the little bit that I've seen him, despite the lack of conversation, lol. I dont mind that lack of conversation; it's just nice to see him, and not have to compete with the xbox. I'm not complaining about the xbox at all; I've known about it from the very beginning, and truth be told, I like watching him play. My mom hasn't been too happy about me driving and picking him up though-I have no job, and gas is expensive. Especially when I have to borrow money for said gas, so I can go pick him up. Not so much fun arguing with her. She doesn't know yet that I'm doing the same thing tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be meeting up with my dad soon, because he's going to give me money. I am so grateful for that, I don't think he knows how much. Ok, well, I'm off to bed, more tomorrow.

Not a fool...

I spent the last few days out at my dad's. Got kind of boring after a while. I'm so used to there being noise, and people in the background, that when I'm by myself for  more than a day, I don't know what to do I read 5 books from thursday night to saturday night made cinnamon rolls from scratch, made egg bites, an upside down lemon meringue pie, was just bored in general.I would  have made more stuff, but I didnt have the money to go buy more supplies. My dad and step-mom came home early; they came home last night rather than today. I ended up making more of the egg bites, and I did version #2 of the Chicken Enhilada Soup. It turned out soooo much better than the first batch I made earlier this week. I wish I had brought some back home to my mom's with me. I also threw out the idea to my dad, that while I am unemployed, I should go out there like once a week, and cook for them. Make them meals, and such, that can be frozen and taken out when needed. I think it's probably going to happen.

I finally got up the nerve to send J a text asking him if I'm a fool for getting my hopes up. He said I'm not, which of course, raises my hopes even more, lol. I was supposed to go over to his place tonight, but left Simi Valley too late, and he was falling asleep. I understood, but I was still kinda dissapointed. I was looking forward to falling asleep with him. It's been a long time since that's happened. On the upside, I will still be seeing him in the morning. Going to pick him up and take him to school. I feel anxious, and aprehensive, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because we've had such ups and downs. It could be because I never quite know what to expect from him. Or it could be memories of what has gone wrong in the past, and not wanting to duplicate the bad. Part of me wants to just ask him flat out, what does he want-in general, and more specifically, from me. The other part of me wants to just coast along, and not rock the boat. It would most likely be healthier to just ask. I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not even sure where this is going. If we're "friends", or "seeing eachother/dating" or what. I'm always afraid to ask. I'm also not sure if he's aware of how much I do still love him, and that I would give up just about anything for him, with the exception of  my family and friends. Maybe its good that he doesn't know. Maybe it will help to keep me from  making a fool of myself. I know I have in the past, in regards to him. So, for now, I will stick with what I do know. That I'm not a fool for getting my hopes up.

Depends on your definition of productive....

I think I had a fairly productive day. Did some laundry when I got up, then cooked my ground turkey. I seasoned it with taco meat, and it was yum. Then I made some Turkey Taco Egg Bites-main recipe courtesy of http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2009/01/super-bites.html They turned out really good, especially considering  I have a really hard time eating eggs. And there are plenty so I'm able to save some for my dad and step-mom to try. Then, because I was bored, I decided to make some cinnamon rolls from scratch. The recipe I used was so-so. The reviews for it said they tasted like Cinnabon's, but I found the icing a bit too sweet, and the dough pretty bland. I won't be using that recipe again. But, the house does smell good. It was kinda fun too, to try and find things to use in place of my normal tools. A wine bottle wrapped in plastic wrap in place of a rolling pin for example. Tomorrow I will be making the Lemon Meringue dessert thing.

I spoke to J earlier-well not actually spoke, but IM'd. It felt kind of awkward, and I didn't get the chance to ask him if I am a fool for getting my hopes up. I'll probably text him later and ask him. Maybe. I think I may need to get up the courage to do so. I have a can of 4lokos, and that will definitely do the trick of loosening my tongue, so to speak. Half a can does the trick of getting me buzzed so we shall see. Unfortunately, on the downside of having all this time by myself, is the time to think. Maybe I'm PMSing, maybe I'm just being emotional, but I keep crying. Not full blown crying, but wear I'm in the middle of doing something totally ordinary, and missing him gets to me, and I start to cry. Hunch over curled into the fetal position if possible, heart breaking kind of cry. I can usually stop it before it gets full blown but still. It really sucks. It could be subconsciously be the reason I made the cinnamon rolls. Fell back onto my old habits of comfort eating, using eating as a way to comfort the emotional pain.

Puddle of Mudd-Control

I love the way you look at me
I feel the pain you place inside
Lock me up inside ya dirty cage
While I’m alone inside my mind

I like to teach you all the rules
I’d get to see them set in stone
I like it when you chain me to the bed
There ya secrets never shone

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve

I love the way you rape my skin
I feel the hate you place inside
I need to get your voice out of my head
Cause I’m the guy you’ll never find


I’m faking all of the rules
There’s no expressions on your face
I’m hoping some day you will let me go
Release me from my dirty cage

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve...you and me..

[repeat 4x]
I love the way you look at me
I love the way you smack my ass
I love the dirty things you do
I have control of you

[chorus]
I need to feel you
You need to feel me
I can’t control you
You’re not the one for me, no

I can’t control you
You can’t control me
I need to feel you
So why’s it involve you and me..

[repeat 4x]
You’re not the one for me, no

Home for a night

I spent the last couple of days out at my Dad's house in Simi Valley. Dog sitting. Lol. Which translates into feed the dogs in the morning, and let them out to do their business. They ignore me when my Dad and Step-mom leave. Unless I have food. But that's fine. It's quiet over there, and I have some privacy, which I don't have here. I tried a new Chicken Enchilada Soup recipe while I was out there. It was too bland for my tastes, so I'm going to tweak the recipe some this weekend. I got home today, and I'm driving back out there tomorrow to dog sit again while they go out of town for my Step-mom's birthday. I plan on making her something to suprise her like I did when they went out of town last year. Her favorite desert is Lemon Meringue Pie, and I did it with a twist last year. I made a Lemon Mernigue Tart, and Lemon Meringue Cookies, plus a Devils food cake with a carmel sauce filling, and coffee butter cream. Yum. This year, I plan on doing either an actual Lemon Meringue Pie, or do it with a twist again this year. I found a recipe where the merigue is the crust filled with a lemon custard. Kind of like an upside down pie. It sounds kinda fun.


As I mentioned perviously, I had emailed J in response to the notification I had recieved saying he had added me to his favorites. Still haven't heard from him, so I emailed him again today, but a little more in depth. Before I had simply asked "Does that mean you're done being mad?". Todays email- "

Or maybe you are still mad. This is driving me nuts. I wish I knew what you wanted. Everytime I go to the visitors page, and you show up, it gets my hopes up and breaks my heart at the same time. Then I get something in my inbox saying you added me to your favorites and you want me to know, and there go my hopes again. I don't know what to think. It makes it really hard to try and move on. I thought that was what you wanted. Now, I'm not sure, and I'm confused, and I don't know what you want. Just tell me, so I know if I'm a fool for getting my hopes up, or if I should move on. " . We'll see if I get a response this time. I really would like to know either way. Either tell me to F*** off, or start talking to me, or SOMETHING. It's killing me. A day doesn't pass where I don't think of him, and my heart aches everytime I do. I'm tired of my heart hurting. I'm tired of randomly crying because of him. And yet, I can't seem to stop.

**Update-- aparentl while I was typing this, I missed an IM from J :( But, even though I missed it, it's a good thing, because I finally heard back from him. He had signed off by the time I saw it, so I sent him an email with my number. Keeping my fingers crossed **

Going to end today's post with lyrics from a couple songs, both by Beth Nielsen Chapman.

Avalanch

I wasn't ready for the avalanche
When we let things slide
I'd always hoped that we would have the chance
At least to say we tried
So I went sifting though my old mistakes
On the day you left
And I decided to forgive myself
The heart can only take so much regret

You're all I'm aching for
And yet
I don't want this pain no more
And Yet
My heart won't lock that door
I wasn't ready for the avalanche
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

I wasn't ready for the words you chose
When you said goodbye
Or just how suddenly the roads could close
Between your life and mine
So I went looking for the reasons why
And I got so lost
And I decided I would have to try
To live without your love at any cost

You're all I'm aching for
And yet
I don't want this pain no more
I can't get
My heart to lock that door
And I wasn't ready for the avalanche

I Keep Coming Back to You

Seems like after all we've been through
We would have learned by now
Never to fight for gets the last word
It doesn't matter anyhow
But 'round and 'round we go in circles
Trying to work things through
And sometimes it feels like miles between us
But I keep coming back to you

CHORUS:
And it's rough
And it's tough
And it's harder than anything I've ever tried to do
But I love you so much that in spite of the struggle
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I keep coming back to you

Hold me now, just think about this room
That we have shared so long
We've studied that map of cracks on the ceiling
Talking till the break of dawn
There is something strong as history
Telling me this love is true
They say "Follow your heart and you'll be happy"
So I keep coming back to you

CHORUS

rambling along

It occurred to me that the reason I have been talking about my ex so much on here, is I can't really talk about it that much with my friends. Not really, really talk about it. lol. And that it's going to get confusing saying the ex, and that guy I was dating, so the ex will now be referred to as J, the guy I was dating will be M and the new guy I've been talking to will be M2. As well as someone else who shall be referred to as I. Huh. That may get confusing. Ok, well, i still haven't heard from J since I emailed him asking him if he is still mad, so I'm still kinda waiting on pins and needles to see what he says. My stomache is kind of in knots. I did go to teh movies with M last night; saw Season of the Witch, which was better than I expected. Afterwords I drove out and met M2. I think we could have fun together. Another thing we'll have to wait and see about. I went to the gym again today, and I am waaay sore. Going to have to take a few days off. Got to talking with my friend I was there with after our workout, and I was kind of going over the whole J stuff I've been going through lately, and I had told her how I almost asked him to marry me. She laughed, and said that even if I end up marrying him, we'll get divorced because she has always seen me endeding up with our friend I. I have a bit of a past, you could say, with I. We've hooked up a few times, flirt whenever we hangout, etc. I've always had a thing for him, which she knows. She's known him a lot longer than I have; they went to elementry school and such together, and she said she's never see him act the way he does with me with anyone else, and that I'm the only one he asks her about whenever he sees her, and asks her for my number though I never hear from him. Lol. Got my mind going tonight. Wondering what he does feel for me, and if my friend is right; maybe I will end up with I. Though it wouldn't happen until after he gets through this "playboy" stage.  Even with thoughts of I in my head, and having seen both M and M2 last night, I still can't get my mind, and heart, off of J. Waiting to see if he responds to the email is killing me. It's not fair of him to get my hopes up the way he has. To tell me he wants me to stay away, but to visit my page, and make sure I know he added me to his favorites, I'm just not sure what to think. Am I supposed to be getting my hopes up, that the one I love is ready to talk to me? Or is he just messing with my head, and my heart is going to break again?

The fat girl in my head.

Something that I have noticed since I had my Lap-Band is that people have a tendancy to think that since I have it, I won't want food anymore. That isn't true. As does almost every fat person, or former fat person, out there, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. It's not something that can change overnight, and I suspect I will always have , for lack of a better word, obsession with food. It drives my mom nuts. I talk about food a lot. I know I do. But I do seem obssessed with it. Even if I'm not hungry, I can talk about it. Even if it's something I know I can't eat because it will make me sick, I talk about it. On a bit of an upside, I try to find healthier recipes now. I try to find ways to make the foods I love a little bit healthier. Honestly, i'm kind of suprised I haven't mentioned food before now, because it's such a constant thought in my head.

I want to say that my self-esteem has gotten better since I've lost more than half the weight I need to lose. I still have moments though, where I feel like crud. When I change is a big one. I have a lot of loose skin now, and due to gravity, I'm kind of, well, droopy. I'm squishy, as my 11 year old sis likes to say. I can honestly say, I can't wait til I hit goal, and can get the excess cut off.

We dropped my sister off for camp yesterday. I always get jealous when her, and our other sisters go, because I'm too old. I have a lot of great memories up there. I made some great friends up there, people I'm still friends with. I was lucky to have them. :) Wasn't able to get to the gym yesterday but that's ok because I had already gone 3 days in a row. And go figure, I gained 3 pounds in the days I went to the gym, I don't go yesterday, and I lose 3 pounds. Weird.
In a previous post, I had mentioned that my ex and I are on the same dating site. The last I had heard from him in December he had said to stay away from him, and I have. In the past few weeks, I know he's been visiting my profile, and today, added me to his favorites list. I have my profile set to email me with new notifications. So I go on and check, and I have an email on the site saying "So-and-So has added you to his friends list, and wants you to know." I emailed him in response asking if he's done being mad then. Who knows. It's kinda confusing though. It goes along with the whole thing of that little bit of hope being kept alive. I told my friend, and she's annoyed with me for emailing him, but that's ok. I don't mind. I just hope he's not doing it to just mess with my head, and heart. I'm not ready for it to break again.
Again, in a previous post, I had also mentioned that I had been seeing someone, but I've only heard from him a couple times since before Christmas. As it tends to happen, whenever I mention I haven't heard from him, I hear from him. Happens without fail almost every time. Which means, you guessed it, I heard from him. I'm supposed to me meeting up with him tonight. Again, we'll see how it goes.

yesterday eh, ramblings of my heart today

So I skipped a day of blogging, but I'm not going to feel guilty since I'm doing better keeping up than I thought I would, lol. Yesterday was pretty uneventful. Made it to the gym with the 15 yr old sister, and sent my resume to one of my friends who forwarded to her boss (Thank You!). Answered an email on one of the dating sites I use. (Yes, I use dating sites, I hardly ever go out anymore, and that makes it hard to meet people). Today a was little more eventful. Heard from my friend I sent my resume to, and I have an interview in about a week and a half. We'll set up a definitive time sometime next week. :) I made it to the gym again (3rd day in a row, yay me!) and I hit the elliptical again. I figured I would barely make it 5 mins since I haven't worked out in 4 months, but I was able to make it 15 mins. I also spoke some more to the guy from the dating site. Exchanged instant message info, and then phone info, so we've been texting for the past few hours. This could have some potential. Hmmm. We shall see.

On another note, I'm going to show my pathetic side again. Still having issues not thinking about the ex. It could be because I've heard from him before that he never wants to hear from me again, and then a month or so later, I hear from him. It could be because we're both on the same dating site, and it matches us, so he pops up in my matches from time to time. I also know that he's been to my profile a couple times, the last being a couple days ago. I think that, in some part of my heart, I still have hope. Hope for what I'm not sure. Maybe it's that I feel I didn''t get closure on our relationship. Maybe it's because he is one of 3 people I've truly loved that wasn't family or friend. What I am sure of, is he will always have a piece of my heart. But so does everyone I've ever loved. Love can change it's form. No two people are alike, so I think it would be hard to love any two people the same way. It's hardest at night, when I'm the only one awake. I have nothing to distract me, and I'm alone with my thoughts, and it's when I get hit with memories. It's not even like we were together all that long. Long enough for me to give my heart. That's all it really takes in the end. It doesn't matter how long, but what you felt. But at night, that's when I miss him the most. When I still get that ache in my heart, and I feel discouraged about everything. It makes me want just one more night, where we fall asleep on the couch, or just one more kiss goodbye. I feel all this for him, and yet, I know that I can still go out there, and try to find someone new. Should I find someone new, I know that missing him will fade, and my memories of him, with him, will be bittersweet, but those will fade too, over time. Again though, it's hard for me to move on from someone who refered to himself as first my boyfriend, then my fiance; it's hard to move on because I believed it, and I wanted that. It's hard to move on from someone who tells you to break it off with the guy you started seeing after you broke up. You want to believe that when he said "I love you", he meant it, and that makes it hard to move on as well. But, everyday, I guess you could say it hurts a little less, and the hope fades a little more. Maybe its for the best. Or maybe he'll read this blog, and my hope will have been valid. Who knows. But for now, Sara Evans says it best....

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger

The Singing Bee, and my lowest weight since 10th grade

Today I auditioned for the tv show The Singing Bee, and I think that I did well. Even if I don't make it on, it was fun :) I hit the gym with Andrea on the way home, which was fun. First time working out in about 4 months, so I should be sore tomorrow. Too bad I had to work out in a skirt, since I grabbed it instead of the exercise pants I thought I grabbed. Definitely a challenge not to flash everybody. Oops. I'm going to cut this one short tonight since I need to start getting to bed early. Hopefully I'll be hitting the gym again tomorrow for some cardio :)

tough day :/

Today was definitely a tough day. It wasn't all bad, but there were some very tough parts. I got to see my friend Cynthia today on her lunch, which was fun since I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, and I used to see her every day at work. But even before I left to go meet up with her, I was already dealing with this back/chest pain thing that happens to me every once in awhile. The longest the pain has ever last is probably about 3 hours. Not today. Today it last more like 7 hours. Debilitating, makes you nauseous, makes you light headed, dizzy and gives you a headache type of pain, where you can't take a deep breath type of pain. In between all of this pain, my Gram got sick and kept throwing up. My poor mother was stuck with the two of us. She was dealing with her mom throwing up, and cleaning up after her, and having to worry about me. My pain got to the point where we almost went to the hospital. I would have earlier if I had health insurance, but I don't. The fact that we almost went anyways says a lot. The pain has been narrowed down to 3 main causes-either gallstones, or something close to either angina or a heart attack, or severe Gastroesophageal reflux disease. None of which are simple things to take care of,, on top of the Lap-BAnd issues. Needless to say, today was a tiring day.

Thankful...and other stuff

I have to say, I am truly thankful for my family and friends. Even when I want to kill my sisters at times, there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep them safe, and I am so thankful that I have them in my life. And I am lucky to have the best mom out there. I know we all say that about our own mother's, but she really is the best. She's still  putting up with me being stuck at home, and taking care of everyone else. I think we all take her for granted a little bit too much. I don't think the rest of the people in my house truly understand how much she does to keep all of our lives running as smoothly as she can, and how much crap she puts up with. 

Being unemployed means I have a lot of time on my hands, and I think about a lot of different things with nothing to occupy my mind. Earlier today I was think about how things turned out with an ex, and how he would have reacted to what I was going to ask him on Christmas, if we had still been together. I think fate works funny that way. A part of me still feels as if we aren't quite done with each other yet. Like there is something that has yet to happen. As much as it infuriates, and annoys some people I know, I do still love him. I don't tell them anymore, unless they ask,  but I know that no matter what happens, a part of me will always love him. And now I sound like one of the stupid girls I make fun of sometimes, oi vey. But I can't help but feel that way. I know that had a couple different things had happened, we wouldn't have ended the way we did. Had I told him, what I told only a handful of people. I still want to tell him, but I don't know if I ever will. When I first kept it from him, it was because he had something traumatic happen, and I couldn't add to that stress. And later, well, I didnt know how to bring it up, and I didn't know how he would react. I do need to put it out there that there was not another person involved, I didn't cheat on him. I need to make that very clear, because I know how things can become misconstrued. The people who know could verify that, or you can ask me what I'm talking about if you really want to know. I'll probably tell you. But back to what  I was going to ask him. I actually kind of pity myself now, knowing no, what I didn't know then. This is something that no one knew I was going to do. I was going to ask him to marry me. Even if it's backwards for the girl to ask, I didn't care. Though it wouldn't have been the first time the topic had been brought up, but I think it would have shocked him some. I know it's going to shock some people when they read this.

what did I accomplish today?

Not much, that's for sure, lol. I think I crotched for a good 8+ hours today. I have a baby beanie done, and I'ms about halfway done with a blanket for my cousin Amber's baby that is due in May. So that makes me happy :) On the downside for today, I've been having trouble with my Lap-Band. I had eaten something yesterday that didn't sit well, and it came back. It's never good for a Lap-band patient to heave. It can cause the Band to slip. Which I already have a problem with. So I had decided that I would take it easy foodwise today-then I woke up in the middle of the night for the 2nd night in a row throwing up stomache acid. Very much not pleasant. So I woke up this morning and decided that I was going to attempt to eat my artichoke my mom cooked for me-I did well until the last bite. Then it all came back. I proceeded for the rest of the day to throw up stomach acid and whatever else was in my stoamch. I am definitely going to be on a liquid diet tomorrow, and I will be taking some children's motrin to help with the swelling. Now it's off to bed for me, with extra pillows so I can sleep propped up, and hopefully not choke on stomach acid in the middle of the night :/

Bucket list

You always hear people talking about their Bucket List's, and I realized that I don't have one. Got me thinking about what would be on mine. So, here goes:

1. Eat at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
2. Travel to every state in the US
3. Drive Route 66 from beginning to end
4. Open my own bookstore/cafe
5. Be a wife
6. Be a mother
7. Go bungee jumping
8. Ride a mechanical bull
9. Run a mile
10. Master the Eliptical
11. Write my own cookbook
12. Write a book
13. Bike the L.A. Marathon
14. Run more than a mile
15. Go back to school, and get my AA
16. Get my BA

ok. that's it for now, more to come :)

depression, and why the people I date don't meet my family

So, I'm not keeping up as much as I;d like. I had some stuff I wanted to write about the other day, but I was being lazy, and didn't do it. I had my ohone interview for unemployment on monday, and I think it went well, so hopefully I'll get something. The lack of money has been attributing to my bleh mood. But I was already in a bleh mood, so either way...
On that topic, kind of, is what I had wanted to blog about previously, just a little more background on me, I suppose. For almost as long as I can remember, I've battled with depression; I've been off and on anti-depressents for at least the past 10 years; I cann't remember exactly when I first started taking them. It's been off and on because, even though I have needed them the whole time, I just plain can't afford them. It also goes hand in hand, for me at least, with my hypothyroidism-whish in turn goes hand in hand with my PCOS. Oi vey, that seems like a lot, lol. But I'm veering off here. The hypothyroidism screws up my horomones, and metabolism, and some other stuff when I don't take my meds-which again, has been off and on due to money issues. I really can't be off htem though. When I don't taky the thyroid pills is when my depression is at it's worst-the past few weeks being the perfect example. I just want to sleep all day, close my eyes, and hide from the world. It's easier, sometimes, when my eyes are shut. I lack the energy to do anything, even to sit there and type at the computer. I'm moody just plain bitchy, and I want to cry all the time. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this out there for everyone to see; maybe I gues, in hopes that someone will read this and understand me a bit better. Although those who aren't that close to me don't know that I battle with depression on a daily basis. I've learned to hide it well, because sometimes, our society just doesnt understand. I know how to smile, and laugh, and seem happy, even as I'm breaking inside, even as it feels as parts of me are shattered, and will never be whole again. Even when I'm at home, when I can show it more, I can't fully let it out. My family wouldn't understand, that's for sure, especially since sometimes I try my best to keep parts of my life seperate from them. Not because I'm ashamed of those parts, but because I'm just not ready for those parts to merge.

Jumping topics here-I'm probably going to do that a lot, it's just how my mind works.
Out of the guys I've dated, I have only ever brought one for my family to meet. (Part of that is because the one time my family did meet my boyfriend, I heard about him for a couple years after we broke up from my youngest sisters. I still hear about him actually, and it's been 6 years, lol.) I dated someone off and on for almost 2 years and not once did I bring him home to meet my family  That should have been a big clue for me, I suppose. I knew deep down he wouldn't, I guess understand is the best word, my family. I'm very close with my family, both my immediate family and extended. And my family is large, and loud, and well, weird at times. But I love them, and I wouldn't be me without them. But back to the topic at hand, for the moment. It's hard for me to merge these parts of my life together-my love life, and my family life. The last time I even though of bringing someone to meet any of my family, something happened-I'm still not even sure what- and we ended up breaking up. Which made me glad I hadn't brought me home, but for the same reason it made me sad. I really do want to be able to take a boyfriend to a family gathering, and introduce him as my boyfriend. (It would also help dispel the ruomours that I am gay. Which I am not. One of my cousins decided to spread that rumour, fueled on by my mother's husband.)
I wish I knew a little more of what is going on in my love life. I am/was datiing someone, but I haven't heard from him much since right before Christmas so I'm not too sure what's going on. I wish I knew. Then I would  know if I should start looking around for someone new or if I should just be patient. Though, I'm not sure where we were headed. I really like him, but to the best of my knowledge, he doenst want any more kids, and I want them, and I want to get married someday. Dating, and being single, sucks. As of right now, out of my close friends that I see the most, I am the only one that is single. My girlfriends are either married, or are in long-term relationships. Then there's me. The single one. And it's not even like they can really set me up on a blind date, because we know all of the same people. Ugh. I wish this part of life was a little easier. Though I was headed the long term direction with my ex-much to the chagrine of a couple of my friends, but I was happy with that direction. Sure it was moving a little fast (or to some people, a lot fast), but it suited my personality. If he had said let's go to Vegas, I would have done it. Not sure if he knew that. WOnder how he would have reacted then if I had said it. Hmmm, something for me to ponder while I try to fall asleep.

Ok, well I probably should go to bed, it's almost 1 am, and I have a crappy sleep schedule right now. Night Night.

January 1st, 2011

The start of a new day, month, year and decade. Here's to hoping that this year is better than last year by leaps and bounds.