To talk or not to talk...

...about food that is. Yesterday, on facebook, I had a friend ask me if I could go a full day without speaking about food. So far, on facebook at least, I've managed. Face to face, not so much, lol. And, with the exception of frying up some chips, I didn't even make anything today. Doesn't mean I didn't talk about it though. Still trying to find a way to play with my torch. Still thinking Creme Brulee, but then I saw a picture in a magazine at a store that looked fun to duplicate. Now, I'm not much of a fan of bananas, or banana desserts but the rest of my family is. This was bananas with a type of pudding topped with a toasted meringue. I have also been wanting to caramelize some bananas for a type of bruleed banana split. So, I was thinking I'll merge them. I'll make a creme brulee, but before it bakes, I'll put fresh sliced bananas in the bottom of the ramekins. Hmmm, could be yummy...

Slacker

So, I've been slacking the past week or so. My entire house was sick for well over a week and we're all just getting over it. I still have a lovely cough that moved into my chest, and my nose looks just wonderful with the after effects of a runny nose wiped with cheap toilet paper. ouch :( The week was fairly uneventful. I was the healthiest one in the house so I played mom for a couple days. My poor Mom was down for the count-she had a headache so bad one day she was crying from it by the time I got back from picking the kids up from school. We ended up taking my youngest sister in a free clinic on Thursday night because at the point she had been spiking fevers of 103 for a full week. She was given a breathing treatment at the Dr, plus a round of antibiotics, and a prescription for Motrin. The antibiotic started working within a few hours thankfully, and she was actually well enough to go to camp over the weekend. She was happy, and they got a TON of snow while up there. It was also one of my little sister's birthday on Sunday. She turned 12. She is definitely a handful, and very hard to please, but that is due more to her being "special", as we refer to it. I lucked out and got my tax returns on Friday and Saturday, so I was able to go grocery shopping for the house, and buy birthday presents. Thank God. She wouldn't have had much otherwise. And she seemed pretty OK, if not happy, with what she got, which is a relief. When I went grocery shopping I was able to get stuff to have fun in the kitchen. Got some more zucchini to make fried zucchini, some poblano peppers to make Chile Rellenos. Going to be making some marinara sauce from scratch, and hopefully some ravioli. Last night, I made a big batch of ma and cheese, and a beautiful mango salsa. Monday I made 5 dozen mini cupcakes, a cake, and some american buttercream for my sister's class at school. I also finally got some butane to fill my caramelizing torches, so I want to make some creme brulee in the next few days. I do have a lot of time to make them. Especially since now I'm not too sure if I got the job with the YMCA. I thought I did; my friend thought I did, but then a previous employer gave a bad reference, so now I'm kind of in limbo. It sucks. I really do need to call and find out why I haven't recieved any unemployment either. The general concensus is that my previous employer is contesting it, which I wouldn't be suprised, because all in all, they are kinda shady like that.

(On a side note, I do need to figure out how to link up my recipes with pictures. Gonnahave to research taht some)

On the guy front, things seem to be holding pretty steady, though slightly stressful. J is back to calling me babe, and whatnot, which is nice. I just still don't know how to label us. You'd think I would have manned up by now, and asked, but I'm a bit of a chicken in that respect. It feels like back when we were together though, so I just don't know. And G has been asking me to commit to him. I didn't want to answer him until I knew for sure where I stand with J, but that just isn't fair to him, so I need to figure out some way to tell him that. If things were different, and J wasn't in the picture, I would say yes. He's a very sweet guy, and I do like him. But I love J. I guess you could say that's where my problem is, depending on who you talk to, lol. And M is still sporadic. His phone is still off, so I don't really have a way to get into contact with him, except to email him, and hope he checks his email. But I know he's going through some stuff right now, so that's fine.

Valentine's Day. Otherwise know as....

Single's Awareness Day. Yea, that pretty much sums it up. Today was kind of crappy overall. Half the house is sick, and I'm fighting to keep from getting it. I woke up this morning with a headache that hasn't gone away, and now I've developed a cough. I hate getting a cough. It almost always moves into my lungs and stays for months. Dang asthma, and my stupid lungs that don't like to work. I tried a little bit of orange juice when I woke up- bad idea. It didn't stay down, and screwed up my stomache for most of the day. I tried to take some generic children's tylenol, and it stayed down for about 2 minutes before I started heaving. Not fun. At all. I was able to keep some broth from my leftover chicken enchilada soup down, and I was able to drink a large glass of water about half an hour ago so that's good. I need to drink more water. I wouldn't have so many issues keeping food down, I think, if I stayed more hydrated. Plus, it'd help with the weight loss.

I did end up going and seeing M last night. It wasn't for very long, only about 45 minutes. It was nice seeing him, but a small part of me feels guilty, even though J and I aren't exclusive. I also heard from G yesterday. Kind of out of the blue since I thought he wasn't interested after our date because I didn't hear from him. He asked me if I'm still interested, and I kind of dodged the question. I'm in a bit of a tricky place right now. I have all these feelings mixed up inside, especially in regards to J. We set it up last night for me to give him a ride home from school today, but I woke up with a text saying he wasn't going to school today. i emailed him asking him what he was up to today, but I never heard anything back. When we started talking again, I asked him if I was a fool for getting my hopes up, and he said no. Right now, I'm not sure what to think. I know I saw M last night, but it kills me to think that he may be with another woman right now. He has every right, since we haven't labled anything, we're not exclusive. I won't tell him that I saw M, because he's got his jealous side. I just don't know how to ask him where we stand. I can't answer G truthfully until I know where I stand with J. And none of this factors in the small hope that I might get to see I sometime in the near future. There are days where, if I knew I had the choice between I and J, I would pick I. Other days, it would be J. Lately it's been more J, but this weekend I've been feeling insecure, and I hate it. I'm different when I'm with him than everyone else. I am definitely quieter, which I know some people won't believe. I don't know how to make him see that I've given stuff up just to see him, that yes, I still love him, without  breaking my heart again. If there is another girl, I'd much rather him tell me about it. It wouldn't be the first time, honestly. Like I said, we've had our issues.

Justin Timberlake
Confused

My Knees start to shake when you're in sight

My mind is filled with wonder

My heart with fright

When will this feeling stop

When did it start

How can I listen to my mind

without breaking my heart

I'm so confused

What should I do

I can't think of anything

Except you

Should I ignore you or just give it time

I can't think straight my heart controls my mind

Fool?

I hate it when I start thinking, and I over analyze things. I spent the night at J's last night. Or rather, watched tv and watched him play XBOX until 4:30am, then we went to bed. I got there at like 4:30 in the afternoon. It was nice just hanging out all that time, not worrying about having to go somewhere, or whatnot. It did get kind of awkward when his mom got home from work; I had previously been convinced that she dodn't like me. Apparently we're fine, lol. Talked wth her for about an hour or so while J played his games. But, there are still times when I kind of feel that J is playing me for a fool, and I hate feeling like that. I pick him up from school most days, and financially, it's really a strain for me to do. I don't have a job, and I'm not recieving unemployment for some reason. Gas is expensive. :/ That part kind of sucks. If I'm just dropping him off, I usually get a kiss goodbye, but that's about it. I know that he was/is talking to other grils. I know he was before, I'm not as sure right now, but I wouldn't be suprised. And seeing as I have spoken to a couple other people, he as every right to do so. But that's not what I want. I don't know how to bring it up, without sounding like a fool, or desperate, or just stupid. M called me last night, while I was at J's. Said he wants to hang out tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to do. J and I aren't official or anything like that, but it feels like we're at the point we were at in the beginning-like julyish- when I stopped talking to and seeing other people. I don't want to ask if it's ok with him if I go out with M, because then it kind of backtracks us. I'm tired of being in this limbo. I want to be able to tell him again that I love him. It's been a long time since I've said it. I've said it before; I'd do just about anything he asked me to. If that makes me weak then so be it. Maybe I am weak. It's getting harder to hold back my feelings for him, but I don't want to put myself out there and get heartbroken again. I've gotten back to the point where I miss him if I don't see him after a day or two. I've gotten used to seeing him 4 times a week or more. I don't like missing him. It sucks. I wish I could read his mind and see what he's thinking in regards to me. I'd rather know now than later if I'm being played for a fool. I really hope not.

So, I got another adjustment on my Lap-Band on Tuesday. Andthen I was stupid, because even though I KNOW I'm supposed to be on liquids for a good 24-72 hours after, depending on my swelling, I ate anyways. Big mistake. Return of the acid reflux, choking in the middle of the night, and not being able to keep anything down. I was lucky if my water stayed down. I'm pretty sure I tore part of my stomach during that time because I was also spitting up blood-not fun at all. I didn't call teh Dr. though because I was pretty sure it was mainly due to swelling, and mostly my fault at that/ I ate some chicken on Wed, then between then and this morning, I had a hadful of goldfish crackers, and Tums. But being on liquids like that helped. I was able to eat some peanut butter, and some jelly-I went to breakfast with friends, and they had packets of peanut butter, with teh packets of jelly- plus some sweet potato fries. I had some ice cream-mainly because I thought the cold would help with any extra swelling I still had, then a cookie(Bad Sara!), and then some Broccoli Cheese Soup. PLus I was able to eat some popcorn earlier. It may sound like I ate a lot, btu I really didn't. Hopefully the scale still moves downward tomorrrow. I hit 90lbs gone this morning, and I want to continue going downwards. I'm 6 pounds from being merely overweight instead of obese, 9 lbs from weighing less than 200, and 10 lbs from my 100lbsgone mark. Keeping my fingers crossed.

My lyrics for this post

Linger by the Cranberries

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

10- a survey type thingy

TEN ARE YOUS
► Are you single? ➔ I honestly have no clue
► Are you happy? ➔ most of teh time
► Are you bored? ➔ Kind of
► Are you sad? ➔ Not at this moment
► Are you Italian?➔ Nope
► Are you German? ➔ Yes
► Are you Asian? ➔ Honorary
► Are you angry? ➔ No
► Are you Irish? ➔ No
► Are your parents still married? ➔ No

TEN FACTS
► Birth Place? ➔ West Covina, CA
► Hair Color ➔ Dark Blond
► Hair Style? ➔ Long
► Eye color? ➔ Blue
► Birthday? ➔ May 17
► Mood? ➔ Confused
► Gender? ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty? ➔ Righty
► Summer or Winter? ➔ Summer
► Morning or Afternoon? ➔ Afternoon
TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love? ➔ Yes
► Do you believe in love at first sight? ➔ Sometimes
► Who ended your last relationship? ➔ He did
► Have you ever been hurt? ➔ Yes
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ➔ Yes
► Are you friends with your ex? ➔ Yes. I think. We're seeing each other again
► Are you afraid of commitment? ➔ No
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔Yes
► Have you ever had a secret admirer? ➔ Uhhh
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes

TEN THIS OR THAT
► Love or Lust? ➔ Love
► Lemonade or Iced tea? ➔ Iced Tea.
► Cats or Dogs? ➔ Dogs
► A few best friends or many regular friends? ➔ A few best friends
► Television or Internet? ➔ Internet
► Pepsi or Coke? ➔ Pepsi
► Pink or Purple? ➔ Pink
► Day or Night? ➔ Day
► IM or Phone? ➔ Text

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? ➔ Yes
► Fallen off the stairs? ➔ Off, Up, Down. Yes
► Went water rafting? ➔ No
► Finished an entire jawbreaker? ➔ Yea
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store? ➔ No
► Skipped School? ➔ In college
► Wanted to disappear? ➔ Yea

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or Eyes? ➔ Eyes
► Light or Dark Hair? ➔ Dark
► Fat or Skinny? ➔ Doesn't matter
► Shorter or Taller? ➔ Taller
► Intelligence or Attraction? ➔ Attraction
► Jock or Nerd? ➔ Nerd
► Hook-up or Relationship? ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor OR Rich and serious? ➔ Funny and poor
► Play the guitar or into sports? ➔ Play the guitar

TEN LASTS
► Last Phone Call/Text? ➔ Tini
► Last phone call you received? ➔ Andrea
► Last person you hung out with? ➔ My Mom
► Last person you hugged? ➔ My sister
► Last person you IM'ed? ➔ Daniel
► Last thing you ate? ➔ Scone
► Last thing you drank? ➔ Iced tea
► Last site you went to? ➔ Facebook
► Last place you were? ➔ Ralphs
RELATIONSHIPS
► Are you in a committed relationship? ➔ Not yet
► Do you want to be? ➔ Yes
► When was your last relationship? ➔ A couple months ago
► Have you ever loved a guy/girl more than anything else in the world? ➔ Yes
► Do you still love them? ➔ Yes
► Do you like someone right now? ➔ Yes.
► Do you and your family get along ➔ Usually
► Would you say you have a "fucked up life"? ➔ not really
► Have you ever run away from home? ➔ No
► If so, how long? ➔ N/A
► Have you ever gotten kicked out? ➔ No

FRIENDS
► Do you secretly hate one of your friends? ➔ No
► Do you consider all of your friends good friends? ➔ Most of them
► Do you trust all your friends? ➔ Yes
► Who are/is your best friend(s)? ➔ Tini, Andrea, Cynthia
► Would you die for them? ➔ Yes

► Who knows everything about you? ➔ The girls above

Those 3 little words

3 little words that can mean so many things. I like you. I love you. I miss you. I hate you. All start with I, all end with You. Their meanings can be so different. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Saying I love you to family or friends. Saying I love you to a lover. Telling someone you miss them. Telling someone you love them, but you hate them. I have felt all 4 of those 3 word combinations. Sometimes I have said them, sometimes I've held it in.

I haven't made it a secret on here that I love J. I haven't uttered those words to him in months though. It's hard not saying it. I want to, but I'm afraid to, and that's a bit of a new feeling for me. I've always been pretty open with my feelings for the most part. I'm afraid to say it though, because he's already broken my heart. I have a feeling I'll be telling him soon though. I love you. Such powerful words. I'll end up telling him because I said another 3 word combination. I missed you. I picked him up from school today, which is pretty much the norm. I missed him this weekend, but was hesitant to tell him. Especially face to face. So after I dropped him off, I sent him a text saying that I missed him this weekend. Chances are I'll see him tomorrow, and if I do, there's a good chance he'll ask me why I missed him. My answer will be simple. Because I love you. Just because I haven't said the words in a long time, doesn't mean I don't still feel that way. I haven't stopped loving him, even through everything. I have hated him at some points, but it was more that I hated the fact that I loved him, even when I was hurting. I'm curious to see if he'll bring it up; I want him to so I can put the words back out there, even if I'm afraid too. I'm tired of holding them in. Maybe it'll push us to where we were before. Maybe I'll end up hurt, because he doesn't feel the same way. I really don't know. There aren't any guarantees in life, so I need to take the chance. I wish I could make some people see that. They don't understand why I want to be/am with J. Besides the answer of I love him, I would rather be happy with him, even temporarily, than hurting without him. There's always the chance of maybe, maybe we do have a shot at making this work, maybe we're supposed to be together, if only for right now. I don't know that whys of it. I have no clue if he feels the same why. I'm going in with my eyes wide open this time; I know my faults, I know his. I know a little bit better now how his mind works; the things he says might not always be true, but I think I've learned which words are truth, and which are stories. I know how to protect my heart a little bit more. It will still hurt if it gets broken, of course, but I'll know it was partially my fault for going back. And if he does break  my heart again, well, maybe "I" will be around, and maybe we can see were that goes.

Billy Currington
I got a feeling

I don't wanna rush this thing
I don't wanna jump the gun
I really wanna say those three little words
But I'm gonna bite my tongue

Yeah, I'm just gonna lay on back
Leave it on cruise control
I'm gonna hold it all inside
Till the right time comes down the road

[Chorus:]
I got a feeling
My head's a reeling
My heart is screaming
I'm about to bust loose
Bottled up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I got a feeling
Are you feeling it too

I guess I've all but said it now
So much for hoping you'd go first
Don't leave me hanging out here on a line
Baby, it's your turn
Say you couldn't sleep last night
[ Billy Currington Lyrics are found on www.getlyrics.com ]
Swore that you could feel me breathe
Had you wanting me there by your side
Yeah, baby I know what you mean

[Second Chorus:]
I got a feeling
My heads a reeling
My heart is screeming
I'm about to bust loose
Bottled up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I get a feeling
You're feeling it too

Bottle up emotion
It's more than a notion
It starts with an "I"
And ends with a "U"
I got a feeling
You're feeling it too
You're feeling it too
Yeah, you're feeling it too
Feeling it too
Oh, Yeah

I'm just not sure about some things...

Haven't heard from G since we went to lunch yesterday. I'm thinking that he didn;t get the right vibe, maybe? I'm not sure, but up until lunch, I got texts morning, noon and night from him, so I can only guess. Also didn't need to give J a ride home from school today which was weird also. It kind of put me out of sorts. I still don't really know what's up with him. I feel as if we're in Limbo. I know that even if, lo and behold, we make it far enough to be committed to each other, we aren't meant for forever, I think. I was talking about it with my friend today, after dinner. I went to dinner with her and her family, for the Chinese New Year. I'm as white as can be, but I'm honorary chinese. But after we got back to her place after dinner, we were talking about J, and about I. She's the one that says no matter what happens, me and I are going to end up together. She said that she had mentioned the same to I's best friend, and he said the same thing. He told her not to tell me, but she already had, lol. He also said that he isn't going to tell I about it either because it would put pressure on him. I totally get that. I don't want there to be pressure for the 2 of us to get together, but I do think that the two of us will eventually get together. It's why I think that J and I aren't meant for forever. I do think we have the potential to last for years. I'm just not sure what he thinks. I need either J to man up and commit, or something along those lines, or I need I to finish being a playboy, and the two of us get together. I feel torn between the two guys. I have feelings for both; I, i've known for about 7 years, and I've had feelings for him the entire time. J, I gave my heart to him so quickly, and I love him. I care deeply for one, and love as a friend, and the other I love as a signifigant other does. Strong feelings for both. I love J, I do, but I think that if I was given the choice between him and I, I would choose I. He would treat me better, with more respect than J does.

A little more detail in my private life-not intended for children

It's been a few days since I've been on here. Helped one of my friends move on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. She was finally able to move into her own place with her husband. They've been married for almost 3 months, but due to some things, they weren't able to move out until this past weekend. I really like their apartment, even if it is all the way in Temecula, and my friend isn't walking distance from my house now. That part kind of sucks. We put in a full day, and helped them unpack some of their stuff. We were highly productive :) Got home about midnight Saturday night, and made it to bed at about 2. J sent me a text a 3am ish that I missed because I had put my phone on vibrate. I missed the call from him too, woke up when it finished ringing. Called him back, because why the heck was I being called at that time of morning?! I'll give you one guess, but I doubt you'll need it. I ended up going over there; got to his place around 430am ish?  He opened the door with his pants unzipped, and it went downhill from there. Didn't even get a "Hi". I blame it on the lack of sleep, and then later, curiosity, but I actually put up with it. Including putting up with him ignoring me for the next 2 1/2 hours...while he was "getting his". No joke, he was actually talking to other girls at the same time, the entire time. Needless to say, I am not happy with him. I kept at it, because I was curious to how long he would actually ignore me. And once he was finished, he literally passed out while still talking to someone, not sure who exactly she is, but 99% sure it was the same girl. Combine that with me PMSing? Puts me in a pissy mood. Then on Monday, I get a text asking if I'm busy, because he needs a ride to school. Told him I had to watch my gram. Then, today, I finally met this other guy, G, that I've been talking to. He'd been pushing to meet, but I didn't think it was fair to either me or him while I'm dealing with this stuff with J. So, I went on a lunch date with him. While I'm getting ready to leave, I get a text from J. Asking if I'm busy. I told him a friend was taking me to lunch, so I wasn't sure if I could pick him up from school, and I'd let him know. So, I go to lunch with G. I think it went well, though I got some weird vibes from him when we were leaving, so I'm not too sure. I left, and sent J a text saying that yes, i can pick him up. Now, normally, when I'm in the car with him, I drive with my left hand, and lean on my right arm on the center console. Not so today. He got in the car and I didn't so much as say hello, and I was driving with my right hand body angled away from him. We also normally don't speak much in the car, and if we do, I'm usually the one to initiate the conversation. Again, not so today. I didn't really say anything. At one point I asked what he was laughing about (in response to a text he was reading), and he said it was his ex, then was quick to point out they were together before he met me. He said he had run into her and her new bf. Ok, fine. Then, a couple minutes later, he asks me who I went to lunch with. I told him I went with my friend G, and then I left it at that. We get to his apartment complex, and as I'm getting ready to pull up to where I would drop him off at, he asks me if I want to come in for a few minutes. Again, out of the norm. Normally, I'll ask if I'm dropping him off or coming in. So  i go in and sit on the couch. He puts his stufff away, then comes andkisses me. Again, not the norm. Then, of course, he wants the same thing he wanted sat night/sun morn, but is nicer about it this time. I think i did it for maybe a minute, then I stopped, which is not like me. It's also not like him to not urge me to continue, but he didn't. So, he finishes, and we clean up, and I go sit back in my spot on the couch, and start playing a game on my phone. I'm still haven't said much, which isn't like me at all. He kept turning his head to look at me, but I pretty much was ignoring him. Then, when I got up to leave, he kissed me goodbye-as in he intiated it, not me. Usually, I kiss him when I leave. Some might say it's the same thing, because, technically, we're kissing each other, but there is a difference. Either way, judging by the way he acted toda,y I think he could tell I wasn't happy. I'm not sure how to bring up this weekend to him. Part of me wants to send him a text asking him what I am to him- a ride to and from school, an easy s***? Because that's what it felt like thhis weekend. Part of me wants to send him a text asking him if he realizes how much he hurt my feelings this weekend And then another part of me wants to send him a text telling him I want all, or nothing. Truthfully, I'd like answers to all of it. I don't want to set myself up to fall again; I've done it before with him, and it sucks. I'm trying very hard not to expect anything this time around, but it's hard. I give my heart so easily, and I gave it to him a long time ago. I still haven't said I love you, this time around. I doubt I'll be saying it anytime soon. Not with the way things are right now. Maybe if/when I know more of what's going on. Maybe I'll wait for him to say it. I feel kind of like I'm setting myself up to be played a fool. There's still that part of me though, that hopes that this time will be different, that this time, we'll make it through. I'm sure he'll be asking for a ride home tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.