Sick

Woke up on Thursday feeling under the weather, and I am definitely sick now. A cold, plus I know I have an ear infection in my left ear, and one of my teeth is throbbing. Driving me nuts, and I just don't feel good physically. Emotionally, still on the same page as yesterday. Still feeling like I've lost an important part of my life. I feel kind of lost, not quite sure which direction to turn. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't get out enough to meet new people. Seems like a Catch 22 sometimes. I can't meet anyone if I don't go out, but I hate going out alone. I always feel so self consious. Always feel like people are judging me, and why would they choose me over the skinny girl. I know I need to get out of that mentality, but it's hard. I tend to get more down on myself too, when I'm sick. Sucks. Ugh, ok, it's bed time.

Things lost

Something happened last Friday  "I", but I can't really go into the details. I had fun, and I felt happy. And then I found something out yesterday that pretty much knocked me on my ass. It's not something that I was expecting to hear, and combined with friday, left me feeling pretty shocked. Have you ever had your opinion of someone change in an instant? Where you find out they did something you never thought that they would do/ That's what happened. And I asked him about it today, and his response was that it just happened. He sent me that via text. As soon as I got that I had the weirdest feeling that I just lost an important part of my life, and I have no clue what to do about it. I make it a point to not regret anything that I do, but if I did lose that piece of my life, I will regret asking him. Not worth losing a friend over, even though it was important that I asked. I feel stuck, and I want to fix it but I can't. And I did nothing wrong, but I feel like I'm in the wrong. I guess that's what years of people making you feel like crap will do. Even when I know I did nothing wrong, I feel like it's my fault. It's why I don't think I'm worth more. Oh, I'll say that I deserve better, but deep down, I don't really believe it. Deep down, I wonder why and how anyone could like me, or find me attractive, "I" is one of the few people of the opposite sex who has never made me feel those things, and I don't want to lose that. He has a girlfriend/. Fine, then we'll be just friends. I'd much rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I wonder though, if he realizes how much he actually means to me, and that he has always been more than just a hook up to me. I wish I knew how to fix this.... :(



Don't say a wordI know you feel the same
Just give me a sign
Say anything say anything
Please don't walk away
I know you want to stay
Just give me a sign
Say anything say anything
Some say that
Time changesBest friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No not for you

Been too long

It's been too long since I've been on here. I've had my reasons though. I can't quite put it out there yet as to why, but once February is in the past, I'll be able to really go into what has been happening since my last post. I do have entries that I've written, and I have them saved so I can copy and past, and try to keep things in order, I guess you could say. Right now, I can say that I'm glad to see the end of last year. It was a very rough year, very emotional, and I'm very much ready to start the next chapter in my life. But, since I can't really go into stuff right now, especially since I have to be up at 520 for work, I'll leave it at the first of my Resolutions for this year.

New Years Resolutions 2012

1. Take better care of my skin!

There's a smile on my face

I got a great compliment tonight from someone I haven't seen in a long time. We had "fun" years ago, and managed to stay friends which is always nice. Though I haven't seen him in person since then, there is always the glorious world of facebook, and before that, myspace, where I post up pictures of my progress and and I have before pictures up too. Tonight I was talking to him, and he said I look incredible. Ok, I've been getting that one a lot lately. Then he followed it with " But then [he] always thought [I] was sexy." That made me feel awesome. He also invited me up to spend a weekend with him, and his girlfriend. I'd have to talk t j about that one. But I think it would be fun.  I also heard from M tonight. I hear from him so randomly now, and I still haven't told him that I'm with J. Tonight, I made some excuses as to why I couldn't meet up with him. I feel bad, because he's a sweet guy, and I like spending time with him, but he pops in and out of my life so randomly. There's also the fact that he had said he doesn't ever want anymore kids, and he never wants to get married. Two of the big things that I'm looking for. So while I feel bad, I only feel a little tiny bit bad, because at the same time, Hello, I'm not going to wait around for someone I can't build a family with, that randomly ops in and out of my life. He can't expect me to. I didn't get to see J today. His mom had the day off, and he didn't go to/have school, which is why I normally will see him during the week, picking him up and taking him home. I wish I knew how to more open with my feelings in person. I can convey things so much better through text. When I'm face to face, I have a tendency to lose my words, and get tongue tied, which isn't conducive at all. Still, even though I did other stuff today, I wish I had gotten to see him. Once I start working I won't be seeing him as often, so I want to get in as much time now as I can.

Down in the dumps?

Where to begin. These past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not so much to where you could tell if, but they have. The scale finally dipped down below 200 for about a day and half. But now it's hovering between 200.4 and 201.4. It's frustrating, especially the way I've been eating. Or rather, how I can't eat in the morning but I'm starving at night. But if I eat to late, I get insane acid reflux, and I end up choking half the night. It's a fine line that I'm walking. I'm already taking OTC heartburn meds, and I keep tums with me at all times. I went from being tight, to being able to eat whatever I want at night, for the most part. That's scary for me. I'm left depending on will power again, and its a hrad thing. It's hard to deal with the fact taht I do have an unhealthy relationship with food. I love it, and hate it all at the same time. But mostly I love it. Which is one of my problems. The past week or so I've been able to eat bread, which is something I'd rather not be able to eat right now. Without the restriction I'm used to in my band though, bread has become a new option. I've been able to eat bread, and it's made me bloated. I have a wheat allergy, among many others. Not being able to eat it is easier than saying no to it. I love bread. I love the smell of it, and the textures. It doesn't love me though, especially with the allergy. I'm able to eat a lot of stuff that I couldn't before, that I shouldn't be eating, and while I know this, I'm having a hard time saying no. Which means that the scale is not going to be my friend right now. I had an appointment for an adjusment on the 22nd, but at that point I didn't need it, and the Dr. wouldn't have given me one even if I asked for one. They were supposed to call me with my new apppointment date, for the end of April, but my phone is shut off, and that's where they call me. It's hard not having my phone. I feel like a shut in at times, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world. I don't have the ability to just shoot off a text message to a friend if I need to, or be able to keep in contact when I'm out of the house. I havent had a steady income since November. It makes life hard. It means I have to rely on other to support me, and at my age, I really shouldn't need that. I do have a job lined up though, with my Dad. He is in negotiations to get me hired, so that will be nice. I'll have to commute, but it will be a full time job, that hopefully pays well.

On a bit of a happier note, J and I are doing well, I think. Or should I say, in my opinion? No, I haven't talked to him like I need to. Yes, I will eventually talk to him about it. It's starting to feel kind of how it did before we broke up last September, minus all the drama. Knock on wood, but this is the longest we've gone without fighting. It feels nice. Even with the stuff that has happened, it's still been a smoother run. There was a spot over the weekend where I got that feeling, but it wasn't the right time to say anything. Besides, I was talking to the girl too, lol. That is where a part of the problem lies too, I guess. When I talk to the other girls at the same time, I'm condoning it. No matter how smooth things are going, I will need to get the point across soon. I don't care if he has friends that are girls. I have friends that are guys. Fine. What isn't fine is if he's leading them on. It isn't fair all a round. I didn't get that vibe though on Saturday night. It was more talk on his end. But, it still goes back to I  need to make a point soon. That I don't want to share. That I'm in this for the long run, and yes, that does mean I want a family. It won't mean I want to get married and have a baby right this instant. It will mean that I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Knowing me, I'll probably end up bringing it up after I've had a drink. Not drunk, just kind of tipsy. Maybe sometime soon. We'll see how the job goes. That will definitely end up playing into it. I won't be there everyday. The commute will cut into my time, but I'm willing to make it work, as long as he is. I can handle not seeing him most days like I do now, if I get to see him on the weekends. I can get a little less sleep some nights if it means I get to see him. In the end though, it depends on if he's willing to work with me. I love him enough to make sacrifices. We'll see if he loves me enough to put an effort into making it work too.

Martina McBride

Yeah
The sun is shining everyday
The clouds never get in the way for you and me
I’ve known you just a week or two
But baby I’m so into you I can hardly breathe

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So physically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I love you

I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our next kiss
You’re so cool
If I’m dreaming please don’t wake me up
’cause baby I can’t get enough of what you do

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you

I can’t believe
That this is real
The way I feel
Baby I’ve gone head over heels

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So fisically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Yeah

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
Baby I love you
Do you love me too?
Baby I love you

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've felt that there hasn't been much to talk about. Well, nothing new anyways. O guess that's not exactly true. It's more of, I don't want to acknowledge what is staring me in the face. I can say that I have, but deep down I really haven't. In a previous post I had mentioned that J had changed his FB status to in a relationship, and when I asked him what I am to him, he replied his girlfriend. So, then why is it, that it took him until 3 days ago to accept my friend request? And before he accepted it, changed his relationship status back to "single". And why is it, that he decided to delete me from his friends list, and now his profile is private. Hmmmm. ( <---- please note the sarcasm at this point). My phone has been shut off again. It's been partially shut off for the past couple weeks, but is fully shut off now. J knew this. I emailed him, and sent an instant message to his phone, at the beginning of last week. He was on Spring Break last week. You would think, that as his "girlfriend", I would see him, or at the very least, hear from him, at least once. He knows how to get a hold of me when my phone is off. Apparently that is expecting to much from him. I saw him the Thursday before Spring Break, and did not hear from him until this morning. Which is when he started back at school. And guess who normally gives him a ride home from school? Me, that's who.  I was already expecting to hear from him in some way this morning. Because, while I may seem stupid, and let people think that, I really am not. Like, I'm not blind to the fact that he talks to other girls. Hell, he talks to them when I am sitting next to him, which is pretty freaking disrespectful. I'm not blind to the fact that it seems the only time he makes an effort to contact me, is when he needs something. I've stopped asking him, pretty much, if he needs a ride. I make him ask now. I'm not blind to the fact that he lies, about really stupid stuff. I never say anything though, because it's usually just not worth the effort. What's really horrible, is that most of our relationship has been this way, and it's really sad that I put up with it. It's sad that even though I know all of this about him, I know that I'm going to continue putting up with it, because I love him. And I really don't deserve that. I deserve someone who treats me with respect, and doesn't show such a blatant disregard for my feelings. I don't deserve having my heart broken, again, by him. But, we rarely get what we deserve, it seems. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I do have a feeling though, that there will be changes to our relationship very soon. I should be working with my Dad again soon. Which means a full time 40 hour per week job, with a commute. I won't be there to pick him up from school anymore. I'll be leaving the house by 6:30 am, and  not getting home until close to 7. Later if I hit the gym after. Right now, he's used to me not having a job, and pretty much being free all the time. He's used to me bringing him things if he needs something, even though it's a 20 minute drive from my house to his, AND I receive no income. Stupid of me, yes, I know. I'll have the income, but not the time anymore. I would have time after work, but when I hang out over there, I usually leave before then, because his mom gets home between 8 and 9. So the weekdays probably wouldn't work for him. And we haven't hung out on a weekend in awhile. Mostly because of him, but there were a couple instances where I had other plans. My gut feeling tells me that on the weekends, he probably makes dates with other girls. So,  where does that leave me when I start working? For the most part, I'm willing to make this work. I know that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be plenty of trials and tribulations, but I know that love doesn't come easy. When you really get into the nitty gritty of it, it comes down to him, and what he really wants. To how he really feels. If he actually loves me, like he says he does, then there's a chance we could make it. But I will issue an ultimatum, I guess you could say. Something that is usually a pretty obvious thing in a relationship, but for some reason, doesn't apply to him. He would have to commit solely to me. No more talking to other girls online, for the purpose of dating. Delete all of his profiles at dating websites. Something that should be a given. I would do the same. Yes, I still have my profiles up, but I don't really go on them. I go on one, for the sole purpose of emailing J. And while I can honestly say that I haven't been with anyone, sexually, since before he said I was his gf, I'm not sure about him. I would cut off contact with that one guy though. Too bad I make friends with them, lol. If he and I don't make it through this, I'm done. I won't go back to him anymore. I'm done with the back and forth, and never knowing. If we end it, it will be done for good this time. I know that I can live without him. It hurts, but I think it would hurt less this time, even though I still love him just as much as I did before. I didn't give him all of my heart this time, yet. Should we  make it through, yea, I'll let the rest of the walls down, but for now, and I'm going to try and protect my heart from as much hurt as possible. And, should we not make it through, I'm probably going to ask I out. Not sure how soon after. But if we're really supposed to end up together, I don't want to wait, lol. I'm ready to settle down. I though it was going to be J. It's not like we hadn't kind of talked about it before we broke up before. At this exact moment, were he to ask, I'm not sure what I would say. But I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. What I know, is I'm tired of playing his fool. We need to decide one way or the other I think. I don't think I can live like this for much longer.

In regards to J, I have found some quotes that will suit, should we come to that point.

He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left

You've never felt pain until you've felt love

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more."

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak!
It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

I'm not over you because I don't like you anymore, I'm over you because I've realized that you're never going to want me like I want you.

You can't ever let go of all the feelings, But you need to let go of him.

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back.


On another note, I have 2 things I want to add to my bucket list, that I want to accomplish this year

Get out of Debt

Move out

If I have this new job, and it pays even decently (Not like the previous job-what I was making before put me below poverty level) decently being at least twice what I was making at my last job, I'm pretty sure I can make those 2 things happen.
Ok, well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. Hopefully I won't let 2 weeks pass by before I get back on here

Jar of Hearts

Have you heard that song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? It's a great song. And I'm sure that there are plenty of people, both female and male who can relate to this song. Though the song was written by her post break up from when she was dating a "player", and that's how most people relate to this, but I guess you could say that I'm not most people. I'm still with J, but this song strikes a cord with me. J and I have definitely not had a smooth ride. We've had our ups and downs. We've been off and on since June. We're still on right now. But even during the times when we weren't togetehr it was still kinda rocky. I had hung out with him, unaware that he was seeing someone else. It was a suprise to me the next day when she started talking to me, and told me who she was. That was a hard one. But then, it's always hard when someone you're in love with is dating someone else. Right now, I kind of get the sense that I am being played, but I hvae nothing to base it on. Well, that's not true, I do have some things to base my suspisions on. I know that he has been talking to other girls. This, I am 100% sure of. I know because he's done so while I'm sitting next to him. When we were together before, I didn't say anything to him about it, even though it hurt. I don't think I can sit around while he does this again. He says that I'm his girlfriend, but neither of us has said anything about exclusivity. I always before thought that it was implied with the title. I've learned that apparently it isn't. In you're head, you always imagine the way a relationship should be. Then, you enter into said relationship, and everything you imagined is, well, wrong. I always thought that it would be easy to speak what is on my mind to my boyfriend. Turns out all my insecurities are still there. I still have a very hard time bringing up anything of importance. For all my loudness, and liking to talk, I've always been a chicken sh** when it come to anything important. I don't know how to bring up that I want exclusivity. I know that I need to. I know that I feel like crap because of it. Awhile ago, driving to his place after picking him up, I had been talking about my eventual plastic surgeries, and he had made a comment that implied he would be there for the long run. My friend brought up something to me the past week- I'm doing all these things to make my life better, and I need someone who deserves the new me. Which means that I need to bring up the exclusivity. That I need to grow a pair, and deal with the hard stuff, even if it means losing him. That's the part that kills me. I'm not ready to lose him. It's something I may have to deal with though. There is also the underlying feelings I have for I. My friend has told me, more than once, that she knows tha I'm going to end up with him. The thing is, that's what I think too. It's a hard conflict for me. I'm in love with someone that I don't want to lose,
but there is someone else taht I think I'm going to end up with. It impares my judgement at times, I think. But I'm not ready for it to be over with J. I'm not sure if I ever will be. And that sad part is, he knows how to get to me. He knows that he's my weakness without me ever saying it. He knows I love him. And he knows that every other time, I have gone back to him, so what's to keep him from acting the same? So, how do I deal with this. How do I bring up my insecurities with him, and tell him that I want it all. And when  i say all, I mean all. He's the one who really set my biological clock off. Before getting together this time, he refered to himself as my ex-fiance. He had asked me to have a baby with him-albeit he was drunk when he brought up that one, but he still put it out there. You just can't do that to a girl. I want back what we had. I want to know that the man I love, still wants me, and no one else. With I, I don't know when that will happen. It may be years down the road. But J? I'm with him now, and I love him, and I what I want is a natural progression of that love, especially since it has been brought up in the past. My other big thing with him is that I have yet to introduce him to any of my family and friends. And they don't like that one bit. According to them, he is not my boyfriend, because they have not yet met him. Bringing someone to meet my family and friends is a big one for me. Big enough that I have only done it one other time. But if I want it all from him, it needs to happen, and soon. I'm supposed to be going to Laughlin in 2 weeks with family, and I want to ask him to come, but I'm still very unsure. Especially since even though I know what I want from this, I don't know what he wants. It feels like I got to spend more time with him before. I don't see him as much as I used to. I know that he was supposed to be busy over this past weekend, but I don't know what his plans were supposed to be. I'm pretty sure they got canceled though, because he ended up getting sick. At least, he said he was sick all weekend, and I choose to believe him. But I don't know how he'll react when I say I want him to meet my people, and hell It feels as if he's been trying to keep himself kind of distanced this time around, and honestly, I've done the same. But I'm done with it. I finally said I love you to him again too. It felt good, especially since I hadn't said it in so long. So, now, I have all this I need to bring up, and no clue how in the hell I'm going to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and praying about it a lot. I don't want to make this song part of my reality again.

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?