It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've been on here. I guess I've felt that there hasn't been much to talk about. Well, nothing new anyways. O guess that's not exactly true. It's more of, I don't want to acknowledge what is staring me in the face. I can say that I have, but deep down I really haven't. In a previous post I had mentioned that J had changed his FB status to in a relationship, and when I asked him what I am to him, he replied his girlfriend. So, then why is it, that it took him until 3 days ago to accept my friend request? And before he accepted it, changed his relationship status back to "single". And why is it, that he decided to delete me from his friends list, and now his profile is private. Hmmmm. ( <---- please note the sarcasm at this point). My phone has been shut off again. It's been partially shut off for the past couple weeks, but is fully shut off now. J knew this. I emailed him, and sent an instant message to his phone, at the beginning of last week. He was on Spring Break last week. You would think, that as his "girlfriend", I would see him, or at the very least, hear from him, at least once. He knows how to get a hold of me when my phone is off. Apparently that is expecting to much from him. I saw him the Thursday before Spring Break, and did not hear from him until this morning. Which is when he started back at school. And guess who normally gives him a ride home from school? Me, that's who.  I was already expecting to hear from him in some way this morning. Because, while I may seem stupid, and let people think that, I really am not. Like, I'm not blind to the fact that he talks to other girls. Hell, he talks to them when I am sitting next to him, which is pretty freaking disrespectful. I'm not blind to the fact that it seems the only time he makes an effort to contact me, is when he needs something. I've stopped asking him, pretty much, if he needs a ride. I make him ask now. I'm not blind to the fact that he lies, about really stupid stuff. I never say anything though, because it's usually just not worth the effort. What's really horrible, is that most of our relationship has been this way, and it's really sad that I put up with it. It's sad that even though I know all of this about him, I know that I'm going to continue putting up with it, because I love him. And I really don't deserve that. I deserve someone who treats me with respect, and doesn't show such a blatant disregard for my feelings. I don't deserve having my heart broken, again, by him. But, we rarely get what we deserve, it seems. I don't know how to tell him how I feel. I do have a feeling though, that there will be changes to our relationship very soon. I should be working with my Dad again soon. Which means a full time 40 hour per week job, with a commute. I won't be there to pick him up from school anymore. I'll be leaving the house by 6:30 am, and  not getting home until close to 7. Later if I hit the gym after. Right now, he's used to me not having a job, and pretty much being free all the time. He's used to me bringing him things if he needs something, even though it's a 20 minute drive from my house to his, AND I receive no income. Stupid of me, yes, I know. I'll have the income, but not the time anymore. I would have time after work, but when I hang out over there, I usually leave before then, because his mom gets home between 8 and 9. So the weekdays probably wouldn't work for him. And we haven't hung out on a weekend in awhile. Mostly because of him, but there were a couple instances where I had other plans. My gut feeling tells me that on the weekends, he probably makes dates with other girls. So,  where does that leave me when I start working? For the most part, I'm willing to make this work. I know that it wouldn't be easy, and that there would be plenty of trials and tribulations, but I know that love doesn't come easy. When you really get into the nitty gritty of it, it comes down to him, and what he really wants. To how he really feels. If he actually loves me, like he says he does, then there's a chance we could make it. But I will issue an ultimatum, I guess you could say. Something that is usually a pretty obvious thing in a relationship, but for some reason, doesn't apply to him. He would have to commit solely to me. No more talking to other girls online, for the purpose of dating. Delete all of his profiles at dating websites. Something that should be a given. I would do the same. Yes, I still have my profiles up, but I don't really go on them. I go on one, for the sole purpose of emailing J. And while I can honestly say that I haven't been with anyone, sexually, since before he said I was his gf, I'm not sure about him. I would cut off contact with that one guy though. Too bad I make friends with them, lol. If he and I don't make it through this, I'm done. I won't go back to him anymore. I'm done with the back and forth, and never knowing. If we end it, it will be done for good this time. I know that I can live without him. It hurts, but I think it would hurt less this time, even though I still love him just as much as I did before. I didn't give him all of my heart this time, yet. Should we  make it through, yea, I'll let the rest of the walls down, but for now, and I'm going to try and protect my heart from as much hurt as possible. And, should we not make it through, I'm probably going to ask I out. Not sure how soon after. But if we're really supposed to end up together, I don't want to wait, lol. I'm ready to settle down. I though it was going to be J. It's not like we hadn't kind of talked about it before we broke up before. At this exact moment, were he to ask, I'm not sure what I would say. But I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. What I know, is I'm tired of playing his fool. We need to decide one way or the other I think. I don't think I can live like this for much longer.

In regards to J, I have found some quotes that will suit, should we come to that point.

He gave me nothing, and he took it with him when he left

You've never felt pain until you've felt love

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more."

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak!
It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

I'm not over you because I don't like you anymore, I'm over you because I've realized that you're never going to want me like I want you.

You can't ever let go of all the feelings, But you need to let go of him.

The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don't love you back.


On another note, I have 2 things I want to add to my bucket list, that I want to accomplish this year

Get out of Debt

Move out

If I have this new job, and it pays even decently (Not like the previous job-what I was making before put me below poverty level) decently being at least twice what I was making at my last job, I'm pretty sure I can make those 2 things happen.
Ok, well, it's late, and I need to go to bed. Hopefully I won't let 2 weeks pass by before I get back on here

Jar of Hearts

Have you heard that song Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri? It's a great song. And I'm sure that there are plenty of people, both female and male who can relate to this song. Though the song was written by her post break up from when she was dating a "player", and that's how most people relate to this, but I guess you could say that I'm not most people. I'm still with J, but this song strikes a cord with me. J and I have definitely not had a smooth ride. We've had our ups and downs. We've been off and on since June. We're still on right now. But even during the times when we weren't togetehr it was still kinda rocky. I had hung out with him, unaware that he was seeing someone else. It was a suprise to me the next day when she started talking to me, and told me who she was. That was a hard one. But then, it's always hard when someone you're in love with is dating someone else. Right now, I kind of get the sense that I am being played, but I hvae nothing to base it on. Well, that's not true, I do have some things to base my suspisions on. I know that he has been talking to other girls. This, I am 100% sure of. I know because he's done so while I'm sitting next to him. When we were together before, I didn't say anything to him about it, even though it hurt. I don't think I can sit around while he does this again. He says that I'm his girlfriend, but neither of us has said anything about exclusivity. I always before thought that it was implied with the title. I've learned that apparently it isn't. In you're head, you always imagine the way a relationship should be. Then, you enter into said relationship, and everything you imagined is, well, wrong. I always thought that it would be easy to speak what is on my mind to my boyfriend. Turns out all my insecurities are still there. I still have a very hard time bringing up anything of importance. For all my loudness, and liking to talk, I've always been a chicken sh** when it come to anything important. I don't know how to bring up that I want exclusivity. I know that I need to. I know that I feel like crap because of it. Awhile ago, driving to his place after picking him up, I had been talking about my eventual plastic surgeries, and he had made a comment that implied he would be there for the long run. My friend brought up something to me the past week- I'm doing all these things to make my life better, and I need someone who deserves the new me. Which means that I need to bring up the exclusivity. That I need to grow a pair, and deal with the hard stuff, even if it means losing him. That's the part that kills me. I'm not ready to lose him. It's something I may have to deal with though. There is also the underlying feelings I have for I. My friend has told me, more than once, that she knows tha I'm going to end up with him. The thing is, that's what I think too. It's a hard conflict for me. I'm in love with someone that I don't want to lose,
but there is someone else taht I think I'm going to end up with. It impares my judgement at times, I think. But I'm not ready for it to be over with J. I'm not sure if I ever will be. And that sad part is, he knows how to get to me. He knows that he's my weakness without me ever saying it. He knows I love him. And he knows that every other time, I have gone back to him, so what's to keep him from acting the same? So, how do I deal with this. How do I bring up my insecurities with him, and tell him that I want it all. And when  i say all, I mean all. He's the one who really set my biological clock off. Before getting together this time, he refered to himself as my ex-fiance. He had asked me to have a baby with him-albeit he was drunk when he brought up that one, but he still put it out there. You just can't do that to a girl. I want back what we had. I want to know that the man I love, still wants me, and no one else. With I, I don't know when that will happen. It may be years down the road. But J? I'm with him now, and I love him, and I what I want is a natural progression of that love, especially since it has been brought up in the past. My other big thing with him is that I have yet to introduce him to any of my family and friends. And they don't like that one bit. According to them, he is not my boyfriend, because they have not yet met him. Bringing someone to meet my family and friends is a big one for me. Big enough that I have only done it one other time. But if I want it all from him, it needs to happen, and soon. I'm supposed to be going to Laughlin in 2 weeks with family, and I want to ask him to come, but I'm still very unsure. Especially since even though I know what I want from this, I don't know what he wants. It feels like I got to spend more time with him before. I don't see him as much as I used to. I know that he was supposed to be busy over this past weekend, but I don't know what his plans were supposed to be. I'm pretty sure they got canceled though, because he ended up getting sick. At least, he said he was sick all weekend, and I choose to believe him. But I don't know how he'll react when I say I want him to meet my people, and hell It feels as if he's been trying to keep himself kind of distanced this time around, and honestly, I've done the same. But I'm done with it. I finally said I love you to him again too. It felt good, especially since I hadn't said it in so long. So, now, I have all this I need to bring up, and no clue how in the hell I'm going to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and praying about it a lot. I don't want to make this song part of my reality again.

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Only One Pound

I've read this before, and I saw this again today, and I needed to share it :)

Only One Pound

Hello, do you know me? If you don't you should. I'm a pound of fat, and I'm the happiest pound of fat that you would ever want to meet. Want to know why? It's because no one ever wants to lose me; I'm Only One Pound, just a pound. Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds or fifteen pounds, but never only one, so I just stick around and happily keep you fat. Then I add to myself ever so slyly so that you never seem to notice it, that is until I've grown to ten, twenty or even more pounds in weight. Yes, it's fun being Only One Pound of fat, left to do as I please. So, when you weigh in, keep right on saying "Oh, I only lost one pound." ( as if that were such a terrible thing!) For you see, if you do this you'll encourage others to keep me around because they will think I'm not worth losing. And I love being around you - your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you. Happy Days!! After all, I'm Only One Pound of fat!!!

Sometimes I wish, for a mistake.

It's been awhile since I posted. I don't really have an excuse. I kept meaning to, and I was just too lazy, which is kinda sad. On Wed I finally asked J what I am to him. Or, as I put it "Here's a question for you...What am I to you?" His response "my gf". My friends say that I left that too open ended, but that answered my question. For now, lol. After that, I told G taht I couldn't see him. I honestly didn't know what I was going to tell him, and I feel kinda bad, but I'd rather follow my heart. Besides, I think he would clash greatly with parts of me. With J, I just want to be back where we were before all of teh major drama started, all the way back in Sep. It was a long few stressful months between Sep and Jan. A lot of ups and downs. I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I called J my boyfriend, and she said I don't have a boyfriend because she hasn't met him. I argued that she doesn't let me bring people over, and we don't have money to go out to dinner or anything like that, so how does she expect to meet him. I think I kinda one that one. But my friend said taht same thing. I haven't introduced him to any of my friends or family. I do need to rectify that. I'm trying to figure out a good place and time. I know that my friends are going to grill him. They flat out said so, lol. I love them. It's kinda a big thing for me to introduce him, but I know I need to. I've met his mom, his two best friends he calls his brothers, and I was supposed to meet his step-dad and step-brothers last summer, but I was out of town and wasn't able to. So, I am severly behind here. I'm just not sure where. My girls say dinner, but it feels kinda like a trap for him, lol. I was thinking maybe going and playing pool. THe girls could invite their guys, so maybe he wouldn't be the only guy. I just don't know. I do know that if I want this to go anywhere, I do need to start introducing though. I get kinda jealous of my friends now, and I don't like it. One married, one engaged, one wearing a promise ring. All these weddings. I want that. There was the beginning of talks of wedding, I guess you could say, with me and J, back in Sep. Some talk of babies. Then s*** hit the fan, and it didn't happen. Now it feels as if we're starting all over again, except I'm already in love with him. Still playing the waiting game. I probably won't see him tomorrow; I have a family thing, and he's going out with one of his brotehrs, I think. So, hopefully I'll see him Sunday. Maybe I'll tell him in person I love him. I've said he's the person I love via text, but I haven't said it yet. I guess I'm still kind of afraid to. I think I know that once I do say it out loud again, I'm not going to be able to protect my heart anymore. I've been keeping part of it reserved, trying to prevent it from being hurt, but what is love without hurt..

No Doubt
Simple Kind of Life

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life