There's a smile on my face

I got a great compliment tonight from someone I haven't seen in a long time. We had "fun" years ago, and managed to stay friends which is always nice. Though I haven't seen him in person since then, there is always the glorious world of facebook, and before that, myspace, where I post up pictures of my progress and and I have before pictures up too. Tonight I was talking to him, and he said I look incredible. Ok, I've been getting that one a lot lately. Then he followed it with " But then [he] always thought [I] was sexy." That made me feel awesome. He also invited me up to spend a weekend with him, and his girlfriend. I'd have to talk t j about that one. But I think it would be fun.  I also heard from M tonight. I hear from him so randomly now, and I still haven't told him that I'm with J. Tonight, I made some excuses as to why I couldn't meet up with him. I feel bad, because he's a sweet guy, and I like spending time with him, but he pops in and out of my life so randomly. There's also the fact that he had said he doesn't ever want anymore kids, and he never wants to get married. Two of the big things that I'm looking for. So while I feel bad, I only feel a little tiny bit bad, because at the same time, Hello, I'm not going to wait around for someone I can't build a family with, that randomly ops in and out of my life. He can't expect me to. I didn't get to see J today. His mom had the day off, and he didn't go to/have school, which is why I normally will see him during the week, picking him up and taking him home. I wish I knew how to more open with my feelings in person. I can convey things so much better through text. When I'm face to face, I have a tendency to lose my words, and get tongue tied, which isn't conducive at all. Still, even though I did other stuff today, I wish I had gotten to see him. Once I start working I won't be seeing him as often, so I want to get in as much time now as I can.

Down in the dumps?

Where to begin. These past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not so much to where you could tell if, but they have. The scale finally dipped down below 200 for about a day and half. But now it's hovering between 200.4 and 201.4. It's frustrating, especially the way I've been eating. Or rather, how I can't eat in the morning but I'm starving at night. But if I eat to late, I get insane acid reflux, and I end up choking half the night. It's a fine line that I'm walking. I'm already taking OTC heartburn meds, and I keep tums with me at all times. I went from being tight, to being able to eat whatever I want at night, for the most part. That's scary for me. I'm left depending on will power again, and its a hrad thing. It's hard to deal with the fact taht I do have an unhealthy relationship with food. I love it, and hate it all at the same time. But mostly I love it. Which is one of my problems. The past week or so I've been able to eat bread, which is something I'd rather not be able to eat right now. Without the restriction I'm used to in my band though, bread has become a new option. I've been able to eat bread, and it's made me bloated. I have a wheat allergy, among many others. Not being able to eat it is easier than saying no to it. I love bread. I love the smell of it, and the textures. It doesn't love me though, especially with the allergy. I'm able to eat a lot of stuff that I couldn't before, that I shouldn't be eating, and while I know this, I'm having a hard time saying no. Which means that the scale is not going to be my friend right now. I had an appointment for an adjusment on the 22nd, but at that point I didn't need it, and the Dr. wouldn't have given me one even if I asked for one. They were supposed to call me with my new apppointment date, for the end of April, but my phone is shut off, and that's where they call me. It's hard not having my phone. I feel like a shut in at times, like I'm cut off from the rest of the world. I don't have the ability to just shoot off a text message to a friend if I need to, or be able to keep in contact when I'm out of the house. I havent had a steady income since November. It makes life hard. It means I have to rely on other to support me, and at my age, I really shouldn't need that. I do have a job lined up though, with my Dad. He is in negotiations to get me hired, so that will be nice. I'll have to commute, but it will be a full time job, that hopefully pays well.

On a bit of a happier note, J and I are doing well, I think. Or should I say, in my opinion? No, I haven't talked to him like I need to. Yes, I will eventually talk to him about it. It's starting to feel kind of how it did before we broke up last September, minus all the drama. Knock on wood, but this is the longest we've gone without fighting. It feels nice. Even with the stuff that has happened, it's still been a smoother run. There was a spot over the weekend where I got that feeling, but it wasn't the right time to say anything. Besides, I was talking to the girl too, lol. That is where a part of the problem lies too, I guess. When I talk to the other girls at the same time, I'm condoning it. No matter how smooth things are going, I will need to get the point across soon. I don't care if he has friends that are girls. I have friends that are guys. Fine. What isn't fine is if he's leading them on. It isn't fair all a round. I didn't get that vibe though on Saturday night. It was more talk on his end. But, it still goes back to I  need to make a point soon. That I don't want to share. That I'm in this for the long run, and yes, that does mean I want a family. It won't mean I want to get married and have a baby right this instant. It will mean that I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Knowing me, I'll probably end up bringing it up after I've had a drink. Not drunk, just kind of tipsy. Maybe sometime soon. We'll see how the job goes. That will definitely end up playing into it. I won't be there everyday. The commute will cut into my time, but I'm willing to make it work, as long as he is. I can handle not seeing him most days like I do now, if I get to see him on the weekends. I can get a little less sleep some nights if it means I get to see him. In the end though, it depends on if he's willing to work with me. I love him enough to make sacrifices. We'll see if he loves me enough to put an effort into making it work too.

Martina McBride

Yeah
The sun is shining everyday
The clouds never get in the way for you and me
I’ve known you just a week or two
But baby I’m so into you I can hardly breathe

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So physically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I love you

I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our next kiss
You’re so cool
If I’m dreaming please don’t wake me up
’cause baby I can’t get enough of what you do

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you

I can’t believe
That this is real
The way I feel
Baby I’ve gone head over heels

And I’m in
So totally wrapped up
Emotionally attracted
So fisically active
So recklessly I need you
So desperately sure as the sky is blue
Yeah

And I’m in
So electrically charged up
Kinetically active
Erractically need you
Fanatically you get to me
Magically sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
Baby I love you
Do you love me too?
Baby I love you